Fap 5 Friday: Hotwife Centipede Edition

(A version of this article also appears on Gamelink’s Naked Truth)

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Although it is not the Number One movie this week, my favorite boxcover has Valentina Nappi on it posing through what appears to be a frosted glass shower stall. “Human Centipede” ruined those things for me in the same way “The Shining” forever compromised massive hedge mazes.

Each of this week’s Fap 5 entries is brand new on the countdown, no matter how much we personally liked last week’s movies. New porn simply will not be held back, poking its little porn beak through the hard shell of the competitive adult market. There are no trannies this week, but a whole lot of hotwives and milves, as well as some lust, for your viewing pleasure.

Follow along as Playboy Radio’s Lexi Stetzel delivers the week’s most popular movies as determined by Gamelink customers.

Oh boy. One look at Chanel Preston’s face and you know she didn’t have to be coaxed into adultery in Number 5:

INTERRACIAL COUGAR CUCKOLD 2

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A cuckold by any other name, right? “Interracial Cougar Cuckold 2” has people like the absolutely delicious Chanel Preston getting serviced by a black dude while her merely Caucasian husband looks on. Note: This is NOT hotwifing, where the husband wants it to happen. But it is her HUSBAND that is the cuckold and not the black guy. Why does porn insist on calling the guy who fucks the wife the cuckold? It drives me crazy. But then I look at Chanel Preston and I don’t care.

Number Four is juicy, juicy, juicy:

KEVIN MOORE’S STUNNING CURVES

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Kevin Moore is one of our favorite directors because he sure knows how to pick ’em. In several scenes of sunwashed California draught hotties posing outside, Moore reminds us that he has a really great job. Then these same young women go inside and perform a workout rudimentary enough to encourage some dude to fuck them in their fleshy rumps or vulvs. Yes, I said it: vulvs.

Our Fap 5 Threeway travels to darkest Europe where our friend Nacho Vidal finds the five European women who haven’t appeared in a porn movie yet:

NACHO VIDAL’S FUCKING AMATEURS 4: MILFS

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Have you ever delivered a sympathy fuck? You’re a good person if you have. Well, sometimes the people or situations Nacho Vidal chooses aren’t exactly my favorites, but he is so dang aggressive about these liaisons that you can’t help rooting for him. You are not going to go wrong with Nacho Vidal, and even though these foreign ladies may not have ever had children, I guess they’re milves in the same way American corporations are people.

Number Two doesn’t really pull any punches about whether we actually live in a post-racial America or not:

MY HOTWIFE’S BLACK BULL

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Hey! Remember three entries ago when I talked about cuckolds and interracial and hotwifing and nudity and all that? Well, here’s an interracial movie about hotwifing that is NOT about cuckolding! The idea is that people like Valentina Nappi’s husband loaned her out to a black dude to fuck her, which is called hotwifing, as opposed to this dude seducing her away from her husband, which is cuckolding. Valentina Nappi. Fuck.

Finally, our Top of the Faps this week sounds like any generic Skinemax movie until, of course, you find no mention of the word “bordello” and, um, there’s come on women’s faces:

LUST UNLEASHED

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Guess what? “Lust and passion are unleashed in this erotic collection that is filmed in the highest quality for you viewing pleasure.” That’s what it says on the boxcover of this two-and-a-half-hour fuckfest featuring Ella Milano on the cover. Those tasty cookies I get at the gas station when I’m driving all night? Those are also called Milanos. But they don’t make me feel the way Ella Milano does.

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