Lexi Lowe Is "Down On Abby" But Up for Anything Else

I like porn performers from the UK because I am a big fan of the late writer Graham Greene. I imagine their sturdy, capacitous forms running no-nonsensically and lightly-scented through his international spy novels, wartime crime tales, and complicated domestic morality plays where the poor have something to say and do so in cheap, form-fitting dresses. I can totally see the Welsh Lexi Lowe as a straight-talking barmaid with a heart of gold who would think nothing of taking me in the back room in Defence of the Realm (and by realm I mean a healthy and consensual consummation of our — oh you know what I mean).

But it is not to be. Because she’s, you know, there, and I live here.

Recently, however, Lowe was in town being all tall and solid and naked. The E-cupped titular star of Harmony Films’ “Down On Abby,” Lowe said nothing about the “Downton Abbey” finale but then again why the hell would we waste precious moments talking about that when we had so little time together?

“Make sure I look good in these photos, OK?” she tells me.

Like Tanya Tate, who is from Liverpool (which is not in Wales), and Sophie Dee (who is from Llanelli, which is), Lowe has a bright-eyed sense of fun about her that immediately inspires one to think: “Let’s get a lot of drinks and see what happens.”

“What do you think about a lot of drinks?” I say.

“My tits look good in this one,” she says [it’s true]. “Not sure about me bum [yeah, that looks pretty great, too].”

Today it was I who had to leave early, so there were to be no drinks, no eel pie, no snogging, no knee-tremblers, no “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, And Her Lover”-style trysts in the back of a meat lorry, and I was sad about it.

I didn’t make it too far in “Downton Abbey” — the moment a long-lost paramour showed up with amnesia was enough for me — but I heard the ending was enigmatically upbeat. It is safe to say that “Down On Abby”‘s ending, by comparison, was pretty fucking unambiguous.