Watching teenagers from the troubled Anacostia neighborhood of Washington D.C. chase flaming Manitoban elk through the Rose Garden, President George W. Bush joked with reporters that he “sure didn’t regret” lying about Weapons of Mass Destruction.
“How can you have a care in the world when you’re laying the pipe to a big old deer?” Bush first asked rhetorically, then demanded an answer from Press Corps dean Helen Thomas (“I’m sure I have no idea,” she said).
Bush was presiding over Fuck a Flaming Elk Week, a White House tradition dating to the first administration of Ulysses S. Grant in 1869, in which 22 elk are ceremonially set on fire by the Army and then chased down and fucked while still on fire.
The yearly event was originally a private affair for the President’s cabinet, but in 1902 Theodore Roosevelt opened it up to distinguished veterans of the Spanish-American War, and in 1950 President Harry S. Truman invited Eagle Scouts from his home state of Missouri to fuck the flaming elk.
With Lyndon Johnson’s War on Poverty in full swing, in the late 1960’s the FFE program was offered to youth from impoverished Anacostia as well as one distinguished guest, which over the years has been Fran Tarkenton, Anita Bryant, U2’s The Edge, Fred Savage, Dr. Stephen Hawking, and Ayn Rand.
As he watched 19-year-old Earlward DuBose tackle an angry, flaming elk and mount it, Bush remarked that the first FFE Day he witnessed was during his father’s administration.
“They had Martin Gore from Depeche Mode chasing a Roosevelt elk around,” Bush said. “But neither of them was interested in fucking. This year I brought back the passion.”
To the cheers of the Anacostia teens, the New York Giants’ Plaxico Burress brought down a 1.200 lb. Wapiti, doused it, and fucked it.
“Way to go, Plaxer,” Bush said, adding that now that the elk was doused it was free to be fucked another day. The elk that burn to death before they are able to be fucked are sent home in special elkie bags for the participants’ families.
“Let no one say that revered traditions can’t also be green,” Bush said, signing into law the 2008 Non-Fucked Elk Disposal Act, which provides aid to elk who are “not fucked due to being burned beyond recognition, too fast, or just ugly.”
Bush ordered a group of protesters beyond the White House gate also be burned and fucked, “in the spirit of the day.”
I’m sorry, but you are really bad at April Fools Day. None of your ‘pranks’ are the least bit believable.
You’re right. I’m so sorry.
How was that?
That was funny, damnit. The mental images it conjures are priceless.