Gram’s dilemma: Should I sue?

So many people I know are filing nuisance jackass lawsuits within the porn world that I feel (and I felt this way when Tera Patrick and Evan Seinfeld got matching iPhones before me) that I am just not in the loop if I don’t sue someone.

So the past few days have been consumed by the idea of who to sue and for how much. Also, it was suggested to me by a friend that I would need a legitimate reason.

“A legitimate reason?” I scoffed, suing my friend. He’s nothing to me now.

Anyway, a perfect situation presented itself yesterday. As I was leaving Gram Ponante Towers, Centrifuge, Brasserie, and Dairy to go to a porn shoot for a small company that has been cancelling for months, I got a call from their production manager.

“Sorry, Grams,” he said, “our second cameraman called in sick.”

“I could shoot camera,” I said, “and we’ll make it the best POV scene ever.”

“Sorry.”

So I went back to the office, forgetting that I’d parked in a two-hour zone, and returned to salvaging my computer from having installed Leopard on it (I also sued Apple).

When I left at 7 p.m., I found a ticket on my windshield. In addition to parking beyond the time allotment, apparently I had also burned down a school.

Whereas in a previous life I would have accepted my own responsibility in getting the ticket, porn has taught me that I need to sue and to sue big. My bulldog attorney sent the following letter:

Dear Ass,

Your not one of us. Gram was trying to move things forward and now he has a tikket. Your company sucks donkeys. Pay him a million dollars and quit porn. All your base are belong to us. Peace.

The Law Firm of And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver

I hope it works. Even if it does no one any good, at least it will bring me some of the attention I crave.

In the meantime, you might be wondering why I haven’t been posting lately. Well, in addition to my computer failure I am outraged that Dave Pounder has confused me with the pornstar Gram Ponante of the films Jack’s Playground 27 and Cuckold 2. I had to sue him. I will be back online soon. If not, sue me.

Previously: Jenna Jameson marries iPhone at Mac-Erotica Expo; Spyderz to play Viper Room…