Male Performer of the Year*

As a nation is reflected in its pornography, so does its pornography draw from the society that creates it. That is why the country’s ultimate arbiter of porn standards, The San Fernando Valley Gaping Collaborative, has decided to place an asterisk next to the award listing of any male porn performer who has used erection enhancing drugs.

“It is time,” said Collaborative Interim President Loup Perch-Tounge.

With Home Run record holder Barry Bonds facing an asterisked entry in his likely Baseball Hall of Fame induction, everyone from many of the last several years of AVN Male Performers of the Year to the XRCO’s Unsung Woodsmen to the nominees in any of the 40 other adult award shows planned for next year face a qualifying mark after their name.

Veteran porn dude Kyle Stone lauded the measure. “First it was a skill,” he said. “Now it’s a pill.”

The august SFVGC was itself embroiled in scandal this summer when it was learned that president Gram Ponante used Viagra while typing.

“I needed my hands to point and wildly gesticulate,” he said at his resignation.

Male performers found to have been under the influence of drugs like Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, Caverject, Caverjet, Cavetol, or “coke dick” while submitting award-winning performances will have their Hall of Fame entries amended and be required to coordinate with their states’ Departments of Motor Vehicles to add asterisks to their SWRDFTR license plates.

Several performers, such as Dick Rage, vowed to withdraw their names from the rolls of an awarding body if they had to submit to asterisks.

“It’s like you’re asking Sherlock Holmes to detect without heroin, Coleridge to write without cocaine, or Our Lord Jesus Christ to commit miracles without the Holy Spirit,” he said. “I mean, have you seen Iphigenia Squirtz lately?”

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