The following is a letter that perhaps the most influential porn commentator in adult, Gram Ponante, editor and co-chair (with Iphigenia Squirtz) of GramPonante.com, sent to one of the most recognized killer whales, Keiko. (Ponante did not send the letter to Keiko, who can’t and won’t read it, but published it on one of his family of websites, where Keiko’s handlers might accidentally Google it. – Ed.)
Congratulations on the tremendous amount of water displacement your whalish girth inspires. Sometimes I wish I were a whale. It must be fun to not have to chew. Is it? Is it???!??? Good water displacement and edible food should allow you to maintain your lifestyle as a whale. I’ve always admired your work as a cetacean and have applauded your fictionalized struggle to live in a habitat native to killer whales in the Free Willy movies.
Now that I have buttered you up, Keiko, let’s just see how your whaley sense handles the following full frontal assault, beeyotch! (Ponante mistakenly typed this as he said it aloud, consuming three cups of coffee laced with Bailey’s, Kahlua, and Grand Marnier. I think it’s called a B-52 shot. – Ed.)
Therefore – and I say “therefore” not as someone who has just written something that would provide a logical antecedent for what I’m about to say, but because I’m walking around the house with a souvenir gavel Belladonna gave me – I confess to being a bit confused and curious about your decision to wash ashore and eat all those children.
This “rabble” you’re talking about – well, they do most of the working and breathing and living and dying in this community. Is it too much to ask that they work and breathe and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Well, Giant Panda Ling Ling didn’t think so, but to you, someone who epitomizes the term “Killer Whale”, they’re delicious snacks: writhing on the outside but filled with juices! Maybe I’ve said too much.
Keiko, you don’t even know who I am. I travel in different circles than you. Last week I attended what was billed as a TVsquaredBTODA, which is three transvestites vaginally penetrating a woman while two members of Bachman-Turner Overdrive went in through the back door. See? Aren’t I special, too?
I’d like to see you do that with your rich, classy whale friends. You always come sniffing around when you need something, but look how quick you turn your back when I need you!
Why is there only one set of footprints, Keiko?
2-getha
+
4-eva
=
6cess
Gram Ponante
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