Nominees for the 2008 AVN Awards will be announced today, sources say, with other sources confirming plans for a 45-day stretch of bitching to commence immediately thereafter.
“We usually announce the Awards just before Thanksgiving, then go on vacation so we don’t have to listen to the phone calls from irate producers and performers,” said an AVN staffer who wished to remain anonymous.
But AVN employees sometimes give out their home phone numbers during less vulnerable times of the year, so they are often subject to bitching during the holiday weekend.
“It’s hard to defend your employer’s decision to not nominate Gape Fisting Fucktards for an acting category while saying grace over a turkey,” the staffer said.
So the 25th annual awards will be announced later today instead.
“I’ve already got several numbers on speed dial,” said one producer. “I plan to start with, ‘So this is what a full-page ad gets me?!’ and devolve from there. I do this every year.”
AVN will announce a multitude of nominees in a multitude of categories, but company president Paul Fishbein noted that “not everyone will be happy.”
“You’re damn right I’m not happy,” said the producer, who expects his Sybian Anime Dwarf series to be nominated in “at least 20” categories, including lesbian, though there are no lesbian scenes in any of the titles.
“I pay money, I expect a lesbian nomination,” he stated.
When informed that nominations would be announced later, many AVN employees wished that they would not be announced at all, the staffer said.
“People will complain irregardlessly,” he said.
“I AM GOING TO DECRY THE HATERS,” stated one male performer on the message board Somebody Fuck Somebody. “IN THEIR GROWING NUMBERS. I HAVE BEEN IN THIS INDUSTRY LONG ENOUGH TO AT LEAST GET A BEST LESBIAN SCENE FOR MY EFFORTS.”
Publicist Bill Mullet, who was recently diagnosed with a degenerative condition requiring him to send out no fewer than 50 press releases a week, nevertheless has a plan in place in case his client’s film is not nominated.
“If it doesn’t get nominated, I will say it is breaking sales records,” he said. “If it does get nominated, I will say it is breaking sales records. It is a win/win/win situation.”
At least one director is sanguine about the possibility of not being nominated.
“My hart is too big for this buienesss,” he said in a prepared statement. “I cannt expektorate to be nomminated by corpirate MSM porn LOL. Thay dont recnize Art or alternativ bodays. The peepul who push things forward are nvr apreshiated in tahyr time.”
The 25th AVN Awards will be held January 12 in Las Vegas. I will be co-hosting with Tera Patrick.
Previously: Male Performer of the Year*; Extended XBiz Awards still a fraction of AVN’s; Tasteful “Ambition”
See also: AVN Awards, Also-Rannies 2007
At least one director is sanguine about the possibility of not being nominated.
“My hart is too big for this buienesss,” he said in a prepared statement. “I cannt expektorate to be nomminated by corpirate MSM porn LOL. Thay dont recnize Art or alternativ bodays. The peepul who push things forward are nvr apreshiated in tahyr time.”
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
Ain’t right. Funny as hell… but ain’t right.