Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Ethan Kane
Cast: Ava Rose, Bree Olson, Nikky Blonde, Roxy Panther, Steve Holmes, James Brossmon, Karim, Alex and David Perry
Each month I write a movie review column with Joanne Cachapero in XBiz. which, like its rival AVN, is an advertiser-sponsored trade publication. I was asked to tone down my critique of Carolina Jones for this month’s issue because Adam & Eve is an advertiser with XBiz.
Those Porn Valley Observed readers who are XBiz and AVN sponsors should, of course, continue sponsoring those publications, because it is in the magazines’ interest (theoretically) to go to bat for you if one of their contributors is moved to write a harsher than normal critique of your movie or product.
To be fair, the version of the Carolina Jones review in this month’s XBiz Premiere leaves no doubt that I was disappointed with the movie, and editorial staff were correct in asking me to tone down the critique. But the following is what I wrote before I was asked to voluntarily soften the review, so wondering what would have made it into the magazine had I refused is moot.
Portions of this review originally appeared in XBiz Premiere
Joanne Cachapero: Ava Rose is the tough-talking tomboy daughter of Indiana Jones in Adam & Eve’s “Carolina Jones and the Broken Covenant.” The brunette bombshell makes a convincing go of this wacky action thriller, using her weapon of choice — no, not her vagina — a boomerang … for God’s sake, Gram!
Gram Ponante: Ava Rose can do anything she goddamn well wants to as far as I’m concerned. As well you know, a boomerang is merely an extension of the vagina. To extend the genital metaphors further, “Carolina” is one of Adam & Eve’s tentpole movies of 2008, along with “Dark City” starring Rose and Ernest Greene’s sequel to 2006’s “O,” starring Olson. I am putting my hopes in them.
JC: According to the plot synopsis, the “fate of the whole world hangs in the balance,” as Carolina goes searching for the lost Ark of the Covenant — the same Ark that was unearthed by her father Indy several years earlier, and was subsequently stolen by evil henchmen and sent someplace … To tell you the truth, I kinda lost track of the plot.
GP: It’s probably for the best. Charlie Browneye’s script and Kane’s direction of it seemed like lesser priorities than getting the cast to the Czech Republic to shoot it.
JC: In the beginning, Bree Olson is tied up, watching Nikky Blonde and Steve Holmes fuck. At first, I thought it was a threesome with bondage overtones, because Blonde and Holmes didn’t seem so evil and Olson didn’t seem like she was suffering so much. But Carolina Jones swooped in to save the day, and — all of a sudden — put a Makita power drill through the back of Holmes’ head and got Blonde in the throat with the boomerang. That was kinda gnarly, watching the drill bit poke through Holmes’ head.
GP: I wondered how Adam & Eve’s famous team of censors justified all the violence in the movie. There were even acknowledged “hookers” in the credits! It is a new day of glasnost for that company.
JC: Anyway, Rose and Olson team up, like a hot Hope and Crosby in an “The Road to Budapest” movie. Rose is all cool, dark, no-nonsense glamour and Olson is as cute as a horny June bug, playing Dixie, the whore with a heart of gold.
GP: I suppose you’ll be suing Adam & Eve for stealing the persona you’ve nurtured for so long?
JC: They follow the trail to the fortress compound of the Big Bad Evil Guy — and any lingering curiosity that I had about the plot of the movie was knocked out of my head when Olson distracted a guard in order for Carolina to sneak onto the grounds.
It’s easy to see why Olson has already won pretty much every newcomer award the industry has to offer. She’s as cute as a dumpling, all blonde in too-big-for-her-shoes that make her look like a little girl playing dress up. But don’t let the sweet thing fool you, she’s a ferociously nasty performer with natural talent and tits.
I had forgotten what natural big, soft boobs like hers look like when they move around, and get squished and have a load shot all over them. It was hypnotic to watch.
When the scene was over, I had totally forgotten why or what Carolina was hunting for, like I had experienced some kind of supernatural brainwashing technique, perpetrated by Olson’s boobs. Talk about secret weapons — that girl is dangerous.
GP: I’ll tell you a story, Joanne. Once a stripper was sitting on my lap. She was talking rather than doing what she was supposed to be doing. She said, “Well, you know, I sell a fantasy.” Any woman who is already on one’s lap is fooling herself if she thinks that she needs a feather boa and a story about working her way through college to get the job done. For this reason I say that I would gladly watch Ava Rose and Bree Olson eat lunch and then bring me coffee, naked.
This whole movie distracted me from the single purpose I think all porn movies should have.
JC: All I knew was that no matter what happened, I had to make it to the end and see Rose and Olson share a scene, because that’s the real treasure in this porno parody.
GP: You’re right. Proceed to the end of the movie, stopping only at each of the sex scenes.
JC: Is it fair to compare Ethan Kane to Spielberg?
GP: If it’s fair to compare XBiz Premiere to the New Yorker, then Yes, and the Phoenix Forum to the Algonquin Round Table, then Absolutely.
JC: This movie is full of really cool, expensive CGI affects, including an ingenuous torture sequence that features an elaborate ant farm. Foreign locations and actors with authentic accents give this flick an amusement park adventure ride feel.
GP: This movie looks so expensive that I feel bad for not liking it. To me, this is an example of misusing contract stars, shoehorning them into a story that only emphasizes flaws rather than shows off their strengths. Ethan Kane is a smart guy with a real feel for film and how to put one together, but this story does not suit his stars and he is unable to coax – even through some blatant overdubbing – great performances out of them. For their parts, Ava Rose and Bree Olson commit to their characters and look great, but it is as if director and stars acknowledged somewhere that this was only a porno and so all decided to skimp on the work required to make the scenes between the sex compelling.
Waitaminnit… this — THIS — is the version that was too acerbic for XBiz?!? Jesus Christ, I wrote — and printed — reviews a thousand times more scathing than this in AVN on a regular basis.
What a bunch of fucking twats. I’m sorry, but XBiz needs to grow a pair. What, precisely, did they object to? Hot-button words like “skimp” and “flaws?”
And, for the record, this movie still sounds better than “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.”
As you know, Eli, I reserve the word “twats” for a select group of people, which is what makes me America’s Beloved Porn Journalist. I can’t go around calling everyone a twat willy nilly. And remember that when you were at AVN, AVN was the only game in town – now that there is competition, even AVN is toning down its reviews, replacing them with cut-rate advertising. Still, I agree that what I wrote wasn’t harsh at all.