Gag Me, then Fuck Me

I know what you’re thinking.

“Gram, why would I want to gag you if part of the joy of fucking you is hearing the delightful things you say?”

Such as:

• “Norma, move the lathe.”
• “Bring me a solid gold cheeseburger.”
• “I am about to shoot a ropy volley across your mizzen.”
• “You’d better get out of the way – God is controlling me now.”
• “Quieres novocientos empanadas mariscos.”

No, Gag Me, then Fuck Me is simply the title of an Acid Rain production I visited yesterday. I arrived late, just in time for a Holly Wellin I did not recognize to “catch one in the face.”

The last time I saw Wellin, she was the blonde and diaphanously-clad trophy girl at the XRCO awards. Now she is brunette and completely naked (save for some shoes – the koi-filled Northridge mansion Mitch Spinelli and crew are shooting in has icy marble floors).

The object of Gag Me, then Fuck Me, much like Stratego, is to choke down two cocks and then be fucked by them. Involved in this exercise were Wellin, Monica Sweetheart (I wanted her to record my outgoing message again but I missed her), Hillary Scott, Hailey Scott, and Jessica Jammer.

There were three addresses in the small gated area south of the 118 where the shoot was held and, though the house I needed had to be the only one with a bunch of cars parked in front of and around it, I had to make sure that I didn’t walk in on someone’s California GOP luncheon for our new port partners.

I should have known I was at the correct place because I spotted this car. In the glut of porn Escalades, porn Camaros, and porn Corvettes, there is always one porn Beater. I don’t know whose it was, but it was spectacular.

It was while I was double-checking the address that I had a small altercation with a neighbor.

“You people are such inconsiderate parkers,” she said from her car. I checked my cologne. Did she have me confused with the victims of a Turkish genocide campaign? But then I realized that the house I was looking for must often be used as a porn set.

“Where would you prefer I park?” I asked the lady.

“Somewhere else!” she said, triumphant, and then sped off. The effect was ruined, however, because another car came up the street at that moment and she got blocked in. The house I needed was abreast of her stopped car at that point and I said, “My wives and I are buying this whole gated community in time for Easter.”

In general, the door that is open on a porn set is the one a visitor walks through and into the shot. I leapt nimbly over camera cables and the male talent, which is awkward because I am hung better than they are, and came to rest at a shallow interior koi pond.

I have never seen a koi pond inside a residence before. There were three koi in about a foot of water, nudging up against synthetic lily pads.

I suppose if I could afford an indoor koi pond I would choose not to host porn companies tramping through my home for give or take $1200 a day. But that is why I’m not rich.

Holly was done with her scene and got dressed. People started packing up. I’d really gotten there late. Will Gag Me, then Fuck Me be a good movie? I don’t mean to be coy, but Probably.

Previously: I Love ’em Latin 2; Acid Rain to release 200 hours of comps
See also: Acid Rain