I was going to watch someone get fucked on film this evening, probably several times, in fact, and then would further immortalize the blessed event by writing about it, because people visit my site for the writing, as you know, and this very writing about the fucking would make the world a better place, when I received the following e-mail:
tested pos on my aim test for clamidia so have to retest in 7 days
“She has chlamydia,” I said. “I guess that means she’s … breaking up with me.”
By the way, the woman to the right – probably a model who has no idea her picture got sold to Getty Images or some stock photography dealer and who we can be fairly certain never had chlamydia – is the Centers for Disease Control’s Face of Chlamydia.
I’d say “Good Times!” but that would make me a Douchebag.
Anyway, “I have chlamydia” is the successor to generations of gentle letdowns.
In the days when shampoo only came in single serving containers, women would brush off dates by saying they had to wash their hair. Then there was “You’re more like a brother to me” until Angelina Jolie ruined that one, and still later came “I’m worried about being outside during Y2K.”
But even America’s Beloved Porn Journalist gets turned down now and then with excuses that reflect the times. Among the most bruising:
- I have wicked rectal prolapse today
- My agent needs me to bail him out of jail
- I’ve really been neglecting my MySpace friend requests
- I lost my syringe in this PAW teddy bear
- I got booked for a Vivid-Alt movie and have been instructed not to talk to you
- I’m never spreading my legs for this industry again
- This under-five in “Californication” has Mainstream Crossover written all over it; screw you!
- Jennifer James wants me to tell you that he’s working on some really exciting projects
- I was just purchased by Spearmint Rhino
- I’m now a youth minister
I know that this is for the best and I’m being let down easy; I won’t resort to the hysteria of my callow youth and say “I’ll fuck you through the chlamydia.” I’m a grown-ass Man. I’ve matured.
But I also cry.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Hot interspecies action; Cal/OSHA plaintiffs save the porn industry; Max Hardcore’s bumper sticker for a car I won’t drive
See also: Chlamydia at the Centers for Disease Control
*snickers*