I am Teagan Presley (I am not Teagan Presley)

I accepted awards on behalf of Digital Playground last night, which couldn’t attend the XRCO Awards because it had to go to soccer practice. Other than someone from Table 1 screaming for me to get off the stage and Cousin Stevie looking at me like I was nuts when I came up to collect the award for Best New Starlet, I seriously enjoyed getting a placque job from Hollie Wellin.

Later, the mild-mannered Jared Rutter asked me if “those awards are going to get to Teagan.”

I replied that I may hold them for ransom until she lets me knock her up.

(Of course you’ll get your awards, Teagan.)

I was disappointed that the brouhaha over Wankus came to naught, and he wasn’t shot on stage like Barbara Jean in Nashville. He and Taylor Wane worked well together when she wasn’t stepping on his punchlines. I was further shocked and horrified when he repeated a joke about Christy Canyon that he’d made Tuesday night about Angel. “I don’t want to fuck her,” he said two times in a week about two different people, “I just want to stick it in her and come.”

I felt like my hero had died.

Brian Surewood called from the bottom of a well to accept his award. The ClubJenna girls have seven days to live.

Taylor Wane is saucy. I am not the submissive type, but I wish Clan Ponante could have afforded Taylor as a governess when I was a tot.

jessica drake is classy. I feel like e.e. cummings when I see her.

Keiko and Rob Longshot were the best-dressed, with coordinated drinks, even.

I will never trust Bill Margold again when he says, “History will be made.” What were you talking about?

Missy Monroe should just stop by and see if anything needs fixing, or if she can bust up a chiffarobe.

Again, Cousin Stevie wanted me dead, I think, until I commented favorably on his baseball documentary. Here he is with Flower Tucci and the President of the Encino Coverdale/Page fan club.

This Hollie Wellin is a menace and needs to be stopped. Like a bottle. If you know what I mean.

Who is this person with Randy West and Christy Canyon? She shows up everywhere with that brown hair and that hat. Is she famous? All I know is that’s Self-Hating Lew’s g-ddamn camera.

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist


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