Hailey Young was wearing an outfit that made me think of the Elves, and/or Shelly Duvall’s character in Nashville.
The occasion was the third anniversary of Porn Star Karaoke, and the room was a sweaty, writhing mass. At least that’s the way it appeared when I was in the room. When I walked outside, it may have returned to normal. Scientists have determined that I can change the very chemical makeup of a location with my proximity. So I got that going for me.
“Why is Gram so popular?” asked T-Diddy Hunter of AVN award-winning editrix Sonny Malone, as people clung to me like test orangutans would a wire monkey.
It is because I have made sacrifices that you have not made, Tod, due to your pride. I have … done things. With beings from another dimension. It makes me ashamed.
Former wrestling bad girl Shannon Kelly bought me a double Jagermeister. I don’t know why. I was just sitting there. Could it be that our birthdays are five days apart? How could she have known? She is a mini-dynamo. If we were a wrestling tag team, what would we call ourselves? What would our costumes be like?
Would they B-Real?
That’s right, a man purporting to be a new member of Cypress Hill was there, singing along to a karaoke track of “Insane in the Brain”. I was star struck at the same level I would be if Jack Lord or Samantha Fox had walked in the room.
“I think he’s actually a roadie,” the woman whose upstretched hand is in the foreground said. “But there is speculation as to whether even that is true.”
Oh porn.
I talked with Sardo’s Bar owner Seymour. He is diminutive but intense. I have seen him whip a biker gang with a cup of coffee in his other hand.
“Are you making money in there tonight?” I asked. It was so crowded I had to go outside to change my mind.
“The waitresses can’t even get to the tables,” he said.
He pointed to a tour bus in the parking lot. “They read about it on the web,” he said. It was like in Coccoon when all the old people found the secret pool and the eggs lost their power. Or was that Dirt Pipe Milkshake #27?
Shannon Kelly had earlier asked a friend to order drinks from the “blonde with the nice ass”. That same blonde made it to our table in a series of heroic moves with a full drink tray. Myself, I managed to spill my own drink all over Nectar’s Craig Valentine and a woman named Gina, who didn’t seem to mind. Hussy.
Still Hailey Young. See? I only took three pictures because it was difficult to raise my arms. And I have given them all to the InterWeb Community.
I stayed for as long as I could, but it was so crowded that all the pencils in my pocket threatened to be squeezed into diamonds. I went to a nonexistent party on the roof of the Universal Sheraton and then drove home.
Previously: Beyond the Valley of Porn Star Karaoke
See also: Sardo’s Bar
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