Swallow My Children

Studio: Metro
Director: Rob Rotten
Cast: Mercedes Santos, Marsha Lord, Sasha Grey, Heather Gables, Roxy Deville, Laurie Vargas, Whitney Stevens, Daisy Tanks, Brandi, Britney Stevens, Leighlani Red, Allison Pierce, Chavon Taylor, Faith Deluca, Kaylee Love Cox, Jocelyn Jaden

Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot

Rob Rotten’s Swallow My Children is a love letter to Acton, CA, which Rotten (because I can’t find anyone else who says it) describes as “the energy capital of the world”. Acton, situated on the wrong side of Magic Mountain and in the vicinity of various high desert nuclear tests, is like a blend of Los Angeles and a disaffected desert Hell. We should all live there in order to complete our transformations.

Rotten combines people from the neighborhood with many performers you’ve never seen before (or perhaps will never see again), along with the rough and ready likes of Sasha Grey, Alison Pierce, and Roxy Deville to present a blowjob movie that is so much more than a blowjob movie; it is like a little piece of punk art and something that should go on the Acton Chamber of Commerce’s website.

Unfortunately, the movie was not shot in Acton at all, but in one of the standard-issue porn McMansions here in Los Angeles.

“Then why did you mention Acton?” I asked Rotten.

“There was this brand-new 18-year-old girl who was asking us a good place to visit in California,” Rotten said. “I couldn’t think of a worse place than Acton, so that showed up in the movie.”

As “Acton” is mentioned early in the flick, and as Rotten improvised most of the ridiculous scenes with a variety of white trash characters, Swallow My Children seems like what The Kentucky Fried Movie would have been had fellatio been involved.

The movie is very silly, and Rotten has chosen performers that look sexy in natural light, in bare feet, with minimal makeup.

“I tell people not to come with the porn heels and the stupid porn bikinis,” Rotten said.

Best line: “What are you doing in my tub? Maybe the piss can wait!”

There are also scenarios in which a blowjob is traded for the return of a retarded uncle’s bike, an unlikely tryst on a roof with porn-ratty Tony Tedeschi, and some trampolines. After Dirty Harry’s, the best line is: “Can I borrow your weight room? Mine’s being worked on.”

The secret to an effective porn movie (at least for a male audience) is juicy women having sex with loopy undesirables. Swallow My Children is an effective porn movie.

Swallow My Children, though everyone in it is tatted out with metal playing in the background, is so silly, well lit, and populated with healthy vixens that it seems wholesome. After all, isn’t a blowjob the friendliest gesture one can make? It’s when penetration happens that people get all possessive.

View a trailer here.