Texas’ Asshole Massacre

Studio: Evolution Erotica/Ivan’s Slut-o-Rama
Director: Ivan
Cast: Kami Andrews (credited as Salome), Gia Paloma, Isabel Ice, Kat, Kelly Wells

“You’re probably asking yourself, ‘What do I, an ignorant, slutty porn chick, have to do to stop my life of drugs and asshole stretching?'” asks Kami Andrews in Texas’ Asshole Massacre. Andrews plays Texas, the head of a company designed to turn adult actresses into “real” actresses. Texas offers to house, clothe, and feed with chili any girl who joins her agency.

But, like so many institutions that purport to do good, Texas’ Hollywood’s Official Starlets (HOS) is riddled with corruption and functionaries bent on taking advantage of the starlets who seek help, goading them into sex. I would not like to believe the same thing of the AARP.

Creating a porn comedy is a tough job. The cast needs to stop being goal-oriented for just long enough to tell the joke without looking at the camera and licking their lips. And entertaining dialogue should always be a nice surprise, scripted or not, rather than the raison d’etre of the movie. Otherwise I purchased my home’s heavy draperies for nothing; there would be no reason to close them.

Texas’ Asshole Massacre is nominated for AVN’s Best Sex Comedy award and Andrews for Best Actress-Video. She’s a contender. It’s amazing how self-conscious people who fuck on film for a living can be when delivering dialogue, but Andrews is a, er, ham when cradling a four-foot double dong like a child.

“People have seen a lot of me already,” Andrews told me. “I think there are only about two inches of my colon undocumented on film.”

As the porn-girls-as-food narrative unfolds, Andrews steals the show, with Gia Paloma and Isabel Ice providing snatched-from-the-headlines scenes of adult biz victimhood. It’s funny because it’s true! But the best scenes are when the porn and the comedy aren’t mutually exclusive. For some reason, an actor called Dirty Harry appears as a crazed Vietnam vet. If the choice were mine, I would say more Isabel Ice eating chili naked, less Dirty Harry having flashbacks.

Alas, the only starlet ready for prime-time in Texas’ Asshole Massacre is Andrews. She would also be a big hit as Sassy Waitress on “Gilmore Girls”. The consolation is that, because it is a porn movie, there is a lot of filthy sex in it.