Toys from the smithies of Barad-Dur

Doc Johnson has been around for an age of Men and has been outfitting cave trolls, wargs, the domme Ungoliant, the Nazgul, and all manner of fell beast with sex toys and marital aids. Now it has released its most fiendish invention, worse even than Grond, the Hammer of the Underworld. How will the blood of Numenor survive with this up its ass?

Behold and quail before the Enspiral Swirl Top Anal Toy. As the Balrog says, “It hurts more when it comes out!” I believe Doc Johnson came over to my house and pulled the ends off my curtain rods to make this cruel device.

Don’t go to the Brown Havens without one.

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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