The conversation went like this:
“Grams,” said a director, “I see you’re on the voting committee for the XRCO.”
“Do you mean the X-Rated Critics’ Organization which, since 1984, has been a true critics’ organization like the Golden Globes?” I said, “Not susceptible to politics and suspicion of venality?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Then Yes,” I said.
“Which movie do you think is most likely to win top honors in the (omitted) category?” he asked.
“Why, (omitted 2), of course,” I said.
After five movies or performers are nominated in each of the XRCO’s 26 categories, voters then arrange the five in order of preference. There is no “#1 with a bullet” option, so the fifth choice simply receives the least preference, rather than no preference at all.
“Would you mind voting for my movie first and putting (omitted 2) last?” he asked.
That’s how it is around here. The director didn’t even offer to send me a fruit basket or reload my Starbucks card.
“That might work in Hollywood,” I said, draping myself in a nearby American flag, “but it doesn’t work in Porn Valley, U.S.A. Now get off my plane. I’m President of the United States.”
I only had trouble voting in the categories Orgasmic Oralist and Best Male Performer. “I like all these people equally,” I fretted, “and their achievements are uniformly towering, if you were to consider ‘towering’ as not a comparative term.”
In these cases I consulted the ghost of Arthur C. Clarke. “Go for the people who have blown you personally or given you cigars,” he said.
“Rebeca Linares never gave me cigars,” I said.
The XRCO Awards will be announced April 30.
Previously: XRCO Night: A night to Rememb
See also: XRCO
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