Jesse Jane: All American Girl

Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Celeste
Cast: Jesse Jane, Celeste Star, Carli Banks, Karlie Montana, Joey, Nadia, Valerie Vasquez, Scott Nails, Jerry

I believe in America, despite this administration’s efforts to make the country literally incredible. That is why I had my Congressman send me Jesse Jane: All American Girl.

It is always a pleasure to see Jesse Jane work. Like many female celebrities, she is smaller in person than one might expect, but her facial features are large. Director Celeste, who often (always?) eschews dialogue for the rental music that comes with the editing program, makes use of Jesse’s expressiveness to tell very hammy, sexy, pointless, and goal-oriented stories.

A disclaimer: while the credits identified as many people as appeared in the movie, I didn’t recognize anyone else. So I will just refer to the rest of the cast by the performers’ individual gender, as if each is a piece of meat.

In the first scene, Jesse’s ball becomes detached from its paddle. A man consoles her with the paddle. She returns the favor. Charming!

Next, Jesse’s sharing of a peppermint stick compels a woman to fuck her. Note to self: keep Christmas in my heart. Jane shows off her new Playboy tattoo in this scene.

Then things turn grim.

What follows is a scene which validates America’s reputation as a wasteful country. A woman is ostensibly eating her Froot Loops, but instead plays with her food. Jesse Jane is not involved in this scene, and for good reason: if she is the All-American Girl, this is the sort of behavior we all should avoid. If the wasteful woman were staying at my house – and who says she isn’t? – I would tell her to stop playing with the goddamn food.

Jesse and another girl then interrupt a mohawked guy (Scott Nails, now I remember) in his music room. It’s just as well, because he is reading a book of sheet music backwards. The gals do what every woman does with musicians, even bad ones: they kneel down so he can shoot a load on their expectant faces.

Cheerleader Jesse then performs a solo scene, which made me think the team must have been at a disadvantage.

Several more scenes, including one with the returned Mohawk Guy, follow. As an American, I have beeen conditioned to only expect five or six sex scenes in my pornography. Celeste provides many more.

This All-American Girl does not really provide a cohesive or representative picture of America, so I wonder what it is supposed to tell us about ourselves as citizens. Come on one another’s face? Don’t waste cereal? Come on one another’s face again?

One thing is certain; Jesse must move to Canada with me.