I am a big fan of porn remakes of Hollywood movies. I think it’s because I know all that conflict could have been avoided if the characters just got naked and had sex. At least I felt that way about Schindler’s List.
This week’s entry is Jesse Jane’s Heat, a reimagining of Michael Mann’s 1995 bank heist picture of the same name starring Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino. Just think about how these lines from the original translate to Digital Playground’s version:
Hooker: Hey baby, time to go.
Waingro: Showed you a good time, didn’t I?
Hooker: Oh yeah. You fly. You cool.
Waingro: You’re lying to me. I can always tell when people lie to me.
Hooker: I ain’t lying. You’re a hot dog. A regular rodeo rider. And this was the monster fuck of my young life.
Waingro: You still don’t know what this is. The Grim Reaper is visiting with you.
See? Little did the hooker know that Waingro was going to kill her. Substitute “Jesse Jane” for “hooker” and “that last Koo Koo Roo creamed spinach before an anal scene” for “Waingro” and it fits perfectly.
Vincent Hanna: My life’s a disaster zone. I got a stepdaughter so fucked up because her real father’s this large-type asshole. I got a wife, we’re passing each other on the down-slope of a marriage – my third – because I spend all my time chasing guys like you around the block. That’s my life.
Neil McCauley: A guy told me one time, “Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” Now, if you’re on me and you gotta move when I move, how do you expect to keep a… a marriage?
How do you expect to keep a marriage in porn? It’s hilarious!!
Alan Marciano: Why’d I get mixed up with that bitch?
Vincent Hanna: Cause she’s got a GREAT ASS… and you got your head all the way up it! Ferocious, aren’t I? When I think of asses, a woman’s ass, something comes out of me.
UPDATE: The Jesse Jane movie and the Michael Mann movie have nothing at all to do with each other. (Aside from the hookers.)
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Affable Jesse Jane punctures fan’s lung; Jesse Jane to ask them to dance, dance with them slow; Jesse Jane Image
See also: Digital Playground