Near the center of the San Fernando Valley, just north of an articulated busway, stands Paladino’s Club in a strip mall that also features a laundromat and a billboard of sports radio personality Mancow that is unwise to park your car under.
It is a big, friendly bar with a performance area and a better-lit room with pool tables. It is the home of metal in the Valley, and it’s common to spot former members of 80’s and 90’s Sunset Strip hair bands there.
The bumperstickers are true: old Ratt bass players don’t die: they just go to Tarzana.
Anyway, Paladino’s was the perfect place to throw the KSEX awards and party. I think the porn industry, much as it aspires to bottle service and recessed lighting, is far more comfortable somewhere between Night in the Ruts and Appetite for Destruction, drinking Jack Daniels from a bottle and throwing up in the parking lot.
Here is why the KSEX Awards was the best porn awards show I have ever attended:
- I served myself from the barbecue. People sat at long tables and ate tri-tip with plastic knives. People like simple things, such as Ted Nugent, boobies, eating barbecued chicken, and large amounts of alcohol served in a rocks glass rather than a shot glass (which gets all over your fingers). Here’s an excellent rule: never wear a ball gown to an awards show for an industry that features a single product with the words Squirt in My Gape in it. Dress so that people will not confuse your business with one that doesn’t sell Dirt Pipe Milkshakes. The KSEX Awards followed that rule; you don’t wear a ball gown to a place with sawdust on the floor.
- The music (mostly a band called Slapbak) was excellent.
- It was short.
- The host, Sunset Thomas, was comfortable in her own skin.
- People walked in and out of the room, but it wasn’t distracting to people who stayed.
- Jeff Conaway (Knickie from “Grease”) was overheard asking people if they knew who he was, but everyone knew who Taylor Wane was.
Director Roy Karch was getting all thumby with fellow AVN Hall of Famer Cara Lott. I used to play a lot of Quake 2, and I was impressed that Lott dressed a little like an iron maiden from that game. Lott, who first made an adult movie in 1981, had the most revealing outfit of any of the women there.
I will tell you that I paid no attention whatsoever to the awards, and that I wasn’t made to feel like a bad person because of it. I already know that I am a bad person, and I hate being made to feel that way because I despise redundancy.
I do know that Sunny Lane won a Best Ass award because she immediately began shaking it in her velour pantsuit. I didn’t know this about Sunny Lane’s ass. I think she is all things to all people.
I told a joke to Tommy Gunn, Billy Glide, and Oliver Bone that ended with the punchline “Yes, but that’s if she’s awake.”
Only Glide appreciated my complex humor.
Blumpkin stars Wendy Clearwater and Oliver Bone stood abreast of Taylor Wane for this award-winning photo.
“What’s my motivation for this shot?” I remember Bone asking.
“Act like you’re offering me some frou-frou girlie drink in a martini glass and I threaten to beat the living shit out of you,” I suggested.
“But it’s not a martini glass,” Bone said.
“I’m calling the shots here!” I said.
I had a tearful reunion with Casey Parker. It appears she always knew who I was at that XFanz party a few weeks ago. It was all a terrible misunderstanding. I was feeling hurt and betrayed.
“It wasn’t that way, Grams,” she said, pressing her breasts against the laundromat. “It wasn’t that way.”
We spent a long time discussing how people can love each other without hurting each other. To underline this, she mentioned her skydiving experience from Casey Parker: The Girl Next Door.
“Did you see my nipples go up?” she asked.
“Yes.”
I’ll be going to the ancestral Ponante homestead for the holidays, and I cannot tell you how happy I was to hear that Pride of Saugus Tyler Faith will be dancing at Alex’ Gentlemen’s Club during that time.
“Alex’ is my home club,” she said. “I always dance there at Christmas.”
“That’s like fuckin’ Aerosmith playin’ New Yeah’s Eve at tha Gahden, kid,” I observed.
“Ya gotta come to my house and meet my grandmutha,” she said.
We made plans, but then I noticed school girl sadie with the classy kinda sassy/Little skirt climbing way up her knees.
“There was three young ladies in the school gym locker when I noticed they was lookin at me,” I said, and went home.
See also: KSEXRadio, Pink Visual
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