I have been traveling the highways and byways of Porn Valley this week asking people just what they think a MILF is. I have yet to hear the same definition twice. In general, though, it is women who are the literalists and the men who tend to be a little more laissez faire in their requirements. One guy said, “A MILF is anyone older than me.”
“Any woman older than you,” I clarified.
“Yes. A MILF has to be a woman.”
“Good,” I said. “Because I’m older than you.”
“I try to keep my relations with the press professional,” he said.
“You must not be from around here,” I said.
Anyway, here is Kimberly Kole. She stars in Jim Powers’ Mother Fuckers 4. Her scene features a fantasy sequence in which she seduces her stepson (the fact that he was her stepson was not revealed until a few minutes in, after I had already fired off several indignant letters to my member of Congress).
I asked Jim Powers how he defined a MILF.
“A MILF has to be a woman who has a kid of an age that has friends who can be attracted to her,” he said. “She needs to be over 35.”
“Can she be an adoptive mother?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said.
In that way, Powers is more concerned with the “I” in MILF than the “M”. For him, the subjective “I” trumps the objective “M”.
In Kole’s fantasy sequence, she utters the following line:
“Just imagine your dick between my ass.”
After a week of wrestling with the thorny and complex MILF issue, my normally-ordered thoughts were once again thrown into disarray.
Did Kole mean ass cheeks? For me – but I am a Buddhist – an ass is something to get in or up, not between. I guess next week I will spend determining what is an ass (and I don’t mean Bill Mullet).
Previously: Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry; Hannah Harper: Passion is to magma as squirting is to lava; Crack smokin’ in America; Porn’s Most Outrageous Outtakes
See also: Sin City
Looks like Jim Powers and I agree on what a MILF should be. “Old enough to have a kid whose friends find you attractive” is exactly how I define it. Anything else is just “barely legal”-type Pornoland tomfoolery, damnit.
Yes, Jim Powers comes closest, I think. But can we create a world in which we don’t skimp? After he got finished telling me his core MILF beliefs, I asked one of his talent if she had a child and she said “No.”
Yeah, let me add the caveat that a MILF should actually have a kid. Of course, that’s “real world” MILFs – in Pornoland, one doesn’t always have that option, regardless of the number of (current) pornsters that have them.
That’s a very good point. There are Porn MILFS and Real World MILFs in the same way there are Porn “teens” and Porn “Asians” that aren’t either.
Come to think of it, there are also Porn “straight guys”, “directors”, “publicists”, “accountants”, “stars”, and “writers”.
Now that I know at least three Beverly Hills families that are fiving their daughters boob jobs for their sixteenth birthdays, at least Porn breasts and Real World breasts are approaching standardization.