I spent Good Friday on an Adam & Eve shoot because, as you know, I try to straddle both Testaments.
It was a Roy Karch production called Dirty Love, starring Sunny Lane, Aurora Snow, and Mika Tan. Roy has been receiving a lot of press lately so I risk oversaturating the porn market by mentioning him, but something happened that must have seemed like a flashback to Porn Sets Past.
“The police just left,” he said. “Somebody reported an underage actress.”
“Who?”
“The same neighbor who always does,” one of the grips answered.
I had been to this house before and the change was shocking. Where once were three guppies in a little indoor pool there were now two and a ceramic turtle. We got a ceramic turtle from the state when my parents were killed.
Long-time devotees of this site might remember the altercation I had with a neighbor the last time I visited this place. I wouldn’t be surprised if it had been the same busy neighbor who phoned in the bogus call.
“The police have to come,” another crewmember said. “They just check IDs and they leave.”
I complimented Tan on her exceptional sidekick skills in a recent Nina Hartley movie. “I used to do informercials on Guam,” she said. Is there anything Mika Tan can’t do? “It’s easier to appear excited about female ejaculation.”
I sat by the pool (not the guppy pool) as rain began to fall. Sunny Lane, in a cute tennis outfit, was shooting a scene with Jim Beam. I snapped some pictures but it’s really so much better if you just imagine it.
“Adam & Eve wants believable sex,” Karch said, pulling out his notes. “What do real couples do? Look at this: ‘No spitting, no choking, no slapping, no porn heels’…I need some suggestions.”
Karch has been in the porn industry thirty years. He was surrounded by 14 crew members, talent, and assorted hangers-on. No one knew what real couples did. In porn, we slap people Hello.
“Well, if it were a real couple, they’d be finished already,” said publicist Wayne Hentai, in Joke 1 of the Two Funniest Lines of the Day.
Lane and Beam were instructed to kiss more.
I wandered through the house. I’d had a conversation with Karch earlier about how some houses in the industry were “shot out” – used so many times that the casual porn customer might grow weary of them. I guess that could happen. If I were a casual porn cutomer, though, I’d think of it as a game to spot the couch, jacuzzi, or stairwell I’d seen in other porn movies.
I was still concentrating on the guppy pond, however.
“The last time I was here, it was for Gag Me, Then Fuck Me,” I said.
“Yeah?” Hentai replied. “What was that about?”
Aurora Snow and Jay Ashley walked in. We watched Family Guy on TV for a while. I didn’t take any pictures because my words are so much more riveting.
Frank Bukkwyd was there, playing a gay tennis player. Bukkwyd is the non-sex role actor’s non-sex role actor. He was excellent in The Da Vinci Load.
Herschel Savage, who just received his domain name back after it had been squatted on for several years (courtesy of Lynn LeMay, who legally pursued the cybersquatter and liberated about 300 porn domain names, including her own, and is planning to give them all back to their rightful owners) said, “I hope I can make some money off it.”
Lunch came and we all sat around a big table and talked about taxes. Mika Tan, who is not out of the country like I thought, viewed production photographs of her downloaded to a PowerBook. I miss my PowerBook. It would have been nice to have taken a picture of her looking at naked pictures of herself on a PowerBook, especially when she said, “I hate when people take pictures just of my ass, because it makes my head look really small”, but porn isn’t really a visual medium.
A hotel lobby scene was to be shot next and one of the rooms of the mansionlette were prepared. Karch asked some of the crew to phone female friends to be extras in the hotel lobby for fifty dollars.
“I’ve got one friend, but she’s a little thick,” one of the guys said.
“I can’t use her,” Karch replied, a perfectionist.
When I was younger, “thick” meant stupid. A year ago, it meant pleasantly curvy with roomy buttocks. Today it meant fat.
On her way out, I asked Sunny Lane if she would be in the movie I plan to pitch next week. It will be the greatest porn movie of all time – possibly the greatest film of all time. It will make people come all over themselves by the end of the opening credits. She said Yes, pending script approval by her people.
My first production still is above.
Previously: Britney Rears 2: it has begun; Of every head he’s had the pleasure to know; Carmen Hart, Carmen Luvana, and Sunny Lane agree that driving to Gram’s house and bringing him some steaks would probably be a good idea
See also: Adam & Eve
Leave a Reply