Let’s say you have just ended a taxing relationship with a passive-aggressive and possibly bipolar woman from Brown and you meet someone who says, “Let’s just fuck and come and go as we please” to which you reply “Don’t mind if I do” and then are shocked to find her looking at china patterns the very next week.
That is how I feel when someone says “Open bar”.
Open bars are never open. There is always some catch. In the case of the Britney Rears party Saturday night the catch was an utter lack of nudity. There was a certain re-compensation, though, in that in addition to the wonderful Sunny Lane, Hillary Scott, Vanessa Blue, and Mika Tan, both Sally Kellerman and David Carradine stopped by.
The solitary thing that made this party a porn party was the fact that only in porn does part of the red carpet routine require lifting someone up. I think Kurt Lockwood hefted Samantha Ryan three times for the cameras. He was only doing his job.
The bar was partially sponsored by Krol Vodka.
“You guys sure did a number on The Slayers,” I said to the bartender. “Who would have thought that Prince Colwyn had it in him? Five-bladed sword, boy. That’s tight, baby. Give me one with cranberry juice.”
Contrary to what I’d been informed and expected, the party was not at a glittering Hollywood nightspot but instead deep in the Valley at a studio at which had been shot this and this and this. I was happy to go to the Valley rather than Hollywood, because one feels like such a bridge-and-tunneler taking a picture of Hillary Scott’s ass anywhere below Franklin. It’s like going to a Jimmy Buffett concert at Oberlin.
The space was done up real nice-like with the sponsors’ logos projected on the wall. I encountered Kelli Brooks in the parking area behind the building.
“I just got my boobs done,” she said. “They should be ready in about a week.”
“What had been your size before?” I probed.
“Double A. I was flat-chested.”
She explained that she’d lost or destroyed several phones. I don’t remember how this subject came up. The last phone she’d broken had been dropped in the toilet and she had to fish it out with a ladle.
Because I am a businessman, I suggested that she should restage that scene, but topless. I think a naked or topless woman plucking a Razr out of the toilet with a gleaming Williams Sonoma ladle would satisfy several niches and make a lot of money.
“That is a really good idea,” she said. I am available for consultant services at $3k a month. That’s dirt cheap, dude.
I met Suzy Mandel, star of 70’s porn Blonde Ambition. She would not allow her picture to be taken, but this is what she looked like back then:
Of far more interest to me was the fact that she had once been one of Benny Hill’s Angels. I asked about the old guy who kept saying “Stop dancing up there” when Benny Hill would slap his head.
“Jackie Wright was a chain smoker,” Mandel said, “and he would often hide his cigarette in his mouth or behind his back during scenes. In fact, you could often see a little plume of smoke rising behind him if you looked close enough. Benny would slap his head to fan the smoke away.”
For whatever reason (probably due to lack of ambient nudity), I spoke with several lawyers that night and even some lawyer groupies. Here are some interesting facts:
- By even the most conservative estimates the DVD side of the adult industry makes more money than the CD end of the music industry. Yet there are thousands of music industry lawyers and only a few dozen adult industry lawyers.
- A well-known director/performer is suing his former company because, he says, there was nothing in his contract that stated he gave up his rights to proceeds from the videos he directed. Since most directing contracts do not explicitly state that directors lose their rights once they take their director’s fee, this lawsuit, if ever it sees the light of day, will be both groundbreaking and a huge goddamn nuisance.
- Many lawyers are weasels who exploit the incompetence of adult industry owners, producers, and performers. Many performers pay their legal fees “in trade”, exploiting the weakness of adult industry lawyers.
- What if your porn movie makes $10 million and is edited for mainstream release – shouldn’t your actors receive SAG-commensurate wages and residuals? What if there is to be a sequel to that movie? (“That’s crazy. Next you’ll be talking about health insurance and payroll companies.”)
Though the party was for Britney Rears 3 and L.A. Vice, most of the crew of Adam & Eve‘s Indigo Noir was there, including director Roy Karch, production manager Nate Liquor (who lists below-the-line professionals in party reports? Gram does), stars Vanessa Blue, Tee Real, and Sydney Capri, and Leeds-born Alexis Silver (below).
As a person who passes for white, I encourage white-owned businesses to try their hand at creating pornography and break the Black stranglehold on this industry. I envision a day when AVN will present an Outstanding White Performer statuette. Until then, I can only dream of the day I shall overcome on your face.
I met fetish model Mishaah. I asked if she had either a web page or MySpace page (not that I approve of MySpace).
“No,” she said, all hardcore and domme-y.
She said she was not an industry performer but was weighing options.
“I’m still thinking about it,” she said.
“I can protect you, baby,” I said.
Since the party was held in a studio space, there were several sets on which porn stars cavorted. I find it much more interesting lately to take pictures of pornorazzi taking pictures because what the photographers are taking pictures of invariably has clothes on. The other side of that coin is when I am the first person to take a picture I immediately feel other photographers pushing against my butt in eagerness and haste to shoot what I am shooting, because it is about eye level to them.
I got home at 4:30 a.m., just in time for “Davey and Goliath”.
“God doesn’t want you to see nudity, Gram,” Goliath said.
See also: Britney Rears 3 review
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