The Way I see your free-trade Colombian mermaid vagina

Long ago I really looked at the back of a dollar bill. I also really looked at my toothpaste for Satanic symbols. Why it took until this weekend to really look at the Starbucks logo is a mystery.

This thing has been in my face and yours for more than a decade, and is undeniably a cropped picture of a mermaid exposing herself, Egon Schiele-style, for all to see. Had I but figured this out earlier, I’d have stopped buying those ten-gallon drums of Yuban at Costco with almost no vagina content whatsoever.

Since I didn’t have my Rolling Stone AVN magazine with me, I also read my coffee cup, this time adorned with a thought-provoking paragraph about how my soul lives on in the memory of others by Leeza Gibbons.

There are dozens of “The Way I See It”s on Starbucks cups, and many people simply collect their empties for a stylish and easy-to-read library that can be refilled for just .50.

I immediately dashed off several “How I See It”s of my own, which were promptly rejected:

The Way I See It

In porn, you shouldn’t call anybody a milf until she’s 35 and only if she’s had a child. I’m not knocking young motherhood, but the charm of a milf is that her offspring is grown up enough to let her get back to showering regularly, and she is determined to go sailing into menopause with no regrets. A cougar also starts at 35, but has had no children. What are these women before age 35? Well, from 25 to 34 they are known as “Ladies” and prior to that they can be called “Teens.”

-Gram Ponante, beloved porn journalist

I don’t think it’s gay if two guys’ cocks touch when double-teaming a Teen, Lady, MILF, or Cougar. It is gay when one turns to the other and says, “Much as I hate the vag, this one really brought the two of us together.”

-Gram Ponante, beloved porn journalist

People say that I’m an observer, and can’t know what it’s like to be a participant. But I know enough to tell you that you shouldn’t eat Baja Fresh before an anal scene. That is one of the many ways one goes from observer to participant quickly in this business.

-Gram Ponante, beloved porn journalist

Sometimes it’s hard to imagine that, in most of our lifetimes, shooting pornography was illegal. Now it often comes to us, unbidden, the moment we turn on our computers and televisions. What I’m saying is, How can I make money off of that?

-Gram Ponante, beloved porn journalist

I’d like to form a lesbian biker gang called the Clitoral Hoods. It’s amazing how many of them buy Harleys with their disability insurance. If I could eat one thing for the rest of my life, it would be potato salad. Yes, I’m pretty sure: Potato Salad.

-Gram Ponante, beloved porn journalist

“You want your receipt?” the Lady behind the counter said when I paid. I hid my tears from the other Von’s shoppers.

“No,” I said. “The Way I See It, your tip should be bigger. I feel like I didn’t pay enough for this Venti Labiaccino.”

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: I Want It Black & Deep in My Ass suggestion; Aiden Starr in my office with a Starbucks egg nog latte on her ass
See also: The Way I See It