Today in Blowjobs: Porn is not an assisted living facility

It is well-documented that older people have sex. Even in the Bible, the Virgin Mary’s cousin Elizabeth conceived a child in her old age (Luke 1:36). And who can forget horrifying images of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones?

But this is why I no longer read the Bible or watch Romancing the Stone; senile sexuality has disgusted me ever since I devoted my life to Logan’s Run.

I know that some people will have a problem with this, but I think that sometimes it is best to not know too much about where your sex toy, hooker, or web designer came from.

Take the Blowguard (“The newest and most revolutionary adult toy to hit the marketplace in a long time”), a dental dam fused to a vibrating bullet that is supposed to help with fellatio and, I don’t know, put the “anal” back in “root canal.”

Conceptualized, invented and brought to market by a dentist in Florida who had a client whose teeth moved while giving oral sex to her boyfriend, Dr. Joe suggested she take out her dentures during their next interlude. Concerned that her lover would freak out by the ‘bare blowjob,’ Dr. Joe custom made a soft guard to cover the teeth – it worked and the Blowguard novelty toy for consenting adults was born.

It sickens me that my granny in Boca is going around giving blowjobs with half her mouth hanging out. But I also marvel at old people’s health insurance; they have to get their affordable Lipitor from Canada but their dentists make them fellatio aids.

I have a feeling Dr. Joe saved some money by posing in his own ad. Perhaps a cup of milk was too suggestive, but the good dentist should have warned the hot chick that phosphates in cola drinks ruin enamel.

And maybe he did say that. And maybe she didn’t laugh. And maybe he paid her money and she left, and he and the camera guy just looked at each other. And then he paid the camera guy, and he left, and Dr. Joe was alone.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Gram’s Christmas Miracle
See also: Blowguard