Your week in MILFs

MILFs are the new teens.

Recently I slipped the surly bonds of Porn Valley and headed north through the Newhall Pass to the home of Don Hollywood and Brooke Hunter. This is a part of the world that people who aren’t from Los Angeles would not associate with the area (although a great deal of CHiPs was shot here).

Rob Spallone and Richard (de) Monfort were shooting MILF & Cookies, an important film about people’s definitions of the term and the way society treats women of a certain age. At least that’s how I like to think of it. For example, in one scene Ginger Lea needs to resort to trickery to get carnal satisfaction.

MILF & Cookies is a pretty good title in the rapidly-diminishing arena of possible MILF movie titles. Others might include:

The MILF of Human Kindness
Land of MILF and Honey Dip
The Grapes of MILF
MILF And Let Die
Tout Les Matins de la MILF
Damien: Omen MILF
SuperMILF Returns
MILF Howser: MD
MILF Intolerant
This MILF Is Haunted

I have been at a crossroads recently about whether I should just accept that which I cannot change and stop bitching that most MILF movies don’t have actual mothers in them, in the same way that I have reconciled myself to the fact that baby squash isn’t made from real babies.

So at this MILF movie I met the intriguing Mia Knight, 26.

“What is a MILF?”

“Well, technically, you can be a mom as soon as you have your period, so it can be anyone over 13.”

“Well, yes, but doesn’t MILF mean ‘Mom I’d Like to Fuck’?”

“Yes,” she said.

“And are you a mom?”

“No.”

Knight comes from Fairfax County, VA, and has a low, clear. non-porny voice. She does not have an accent.

“There’s no one from that part of the world with a Southern accent because they’re all diplomats,” she said.

That was the area where the JM lawsuit came from.

“The MILFHunter website listed me as 36 years old,” she said, validating my feeling that if MILFs didn’t exist, we would create them.

In the other room Ginger Lea tapped her thoughts into a laptop as part of her scene. “My personal trainer is coming today,” she said aloud. “I’m going to give him more than exercise – pardon the pun.”

Her trainer (Seth Dickens) arrived and proceeded to direct her to do jumping jacks in her heels.

“Mind if I take off my top?” she asked.

“Er,” he said. Then she did more exercises.

“Mind if I take off my bottoms? Sorry. It’s really hot,” she explained.

“OK,” he said. (As her trainer, he was her employee.)

When the blowjob happened (to him, not me), Dickens said (to her, not me), “I am going to fuck you so hard.”

It revealed the way we expect things to happen in porn. Everything starts with a blowjob but never ends there. It is expected that the blowjob is only a transition. In real life, for example when I go to the DMV later, the blowjob is the culmination of the transaction.

But what does this say about MILFs?

Nothing. It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.

As I had, just the day before, gone to yet another MILF shoot (for SLLABWurks) featuring women who had not undergone childbirth, I have determined that the term MILF is going to remain elastic, much unlike a vagina.