Derby Day for Memphis Monroe

In another part of the country I am known as Colonel Gram Ponante. That is why I was interested in hearing what Louisville’s own Memphis (Memphis?) Monroe was doing for the Run for the Roses on Saturday.

“I’ll probably find some sports bar in Vegas,” she said. We were surrounded by horses on the ranch of Barely Legal‘s Gail Harris, where Monroe was shooting Backwoods of Memphis.

Monroe now lives in Henderson, Nevada, because her Hustler contract allows her the first real free time she’s had since joining the business.

“I used to work six or seven days a week,” she said, “but now I can watch TV.”

I pressed her about the Kentucky Derby. I’ve seen plenty of porn starlets rub semen into their breasts, as had Monroe (not to greet me, but earlier), but I wanted to talk about Monroe’s favorite julep recipe.

“I don’t drink juleps,” she said. “They’re too sweet.”

“But you’ve been to the Derby?” I asked.

“Twice,” she said. “I used to say, ‘Oh, look what they’re doing to those poor horses!’ but now I’m a gambling addict.”

“Awesome. I think I’m an alcoholic.”

“The first Derby I went to was the one where they had that monsoon. I was in my pretty dress and hat, and there were these people just swimming in the mud. There were waves and waves of mud just landing on top of me.”

“Do you ride horses?”

“I rode one once.”

“But do you cry when they play ‘My Old Kentucky Home’?”

“No.”

Monroe (no relation to Missy Monroe, though one could be the other’s evil gonzo sister) has been joined by Mya Luanna in Hustler’s revolving door of contract girls. Luanna replaces Joey Hart, who arrived following Jessica Jaymes’ departure.

I asked Suzanne, Hustler’s Talent Relations Manager (“I’m not the ‘Talent Wrangler’, she corrected, but I’d meant no offense) what the particulars of the Hustler Contract Girl contract were. I just thought I’d ask.

“Memphis has to do 24 scenes a year, and we take her to various promotional assignments,” she said. “At the NCTA (National Cable & Television Association) show in Atlanta, Mya came out in a full kimono. She’s very into her Thai heritage.”

“So am I.”

It was a hot day in the northeast Valley, the kind where things spontaneously burst into flame. I felt sorry for Jasmine Byrne, who was posing on a couple of bales of hay in the back of a pickup truck. She was wearing nothing, eventually, but high-heeled Timberlands.

“Do you have any sunscreen?” I asked.

“No,” she said.

“Not for you – for me,” I replied. This conversation was going nowhere.

Director Caesar Bonobo had Byrne and her scene partner go through several poses. Backwoods of Memphis, Suzanne said, involved “having sex in the country.” Byrne’s character kidnaps a backpacker using a gun-shaped dildo. She pointed the dildo at her partner’s head when she wasn’t licking the end of it. I think licking the end of it will allow the movie to pass compliance.

My white linen suit was feeling heavy, so I sat back on the porch and whittled for awhile.

“Whip me up a mess o them biscuits,” I commanded a production assistant.

“Yes, Colonel,” he said.