Desperate

Studio: Vivid
Director: Paul Thomas
Cast: Tera Patrick, Monique Alexander, Shy Love, Syvette Wimberley, Spyder Jonez, Tommy Gunn

As everyone knows, Los Angeles is all seedy underbelly, all the time. Tera Patrick, as a naive dreamer, and Spyder Jonez (aka her husband Evan Seinfeld), as the violent object of her inexplicable affection, find some kind of love through the squalor of prostitution and other vices in Desperate.

Spyder Jonez’ character, Spyder, is a scared little boy. Even when Tera Patrick lays all her best moves on him, he tells her to fuck off, and to get the fuck away, and to go back to fucking Kansas, bitch. Yet she pursues him, follows him back to the warehouse he shares with his badass robbery buddies and a couple of gun molls. When will Tera ever learn?

Spyder and his business associate, Tommy Gunn, use molls Shy Love and Syvette Wimberley to maneuver rich men into vulnerable positions. Then Jonez and Gunn break up the action dressed as police officers. I do this all the time.

Why Tera is attracted to Spyder, why her love for him persists despite his never saying a kind word to her – even as she descends into prostitution – is a mystery. The key, I feel, is the tremendous guilt writer/director Paul Thomas must still feel for denying Ted Neeley all those years ago.

The collapse of Spyder and Tommy’s near-foolproof scheme is not Tera’s doing, but a twist ending probably would have justified her slavish devotion to him. Instead, the message of “Desperate” is that the worse one treats his girlfriend, the more she loves him.

Fans of Tera, Shy Love, and Monique Alexander will get an eyeful (as does Tera) and Tommy Gunn, who has been in every other porn movie released in the oast two years, is all Method as Spyder’s right hand man.