Gram cut to the quick by pornographer

I write a monthly He Said/She Said-style review column in XBiz with my ex common-law wife, Joanne Cachapero. We reviewed The Make Up in the February issue and got this reply from director Jason Green:

I doubt you will run this, but…

In the interest of equal time,

After reading the review of my movie “The Make Up” in the February issue of X Biz, I couldn’t help but notice that Joanne Cachapero and Gram Ponante write with a silly bantering style similar to some of the dialog in my movie, except theirs is not funny.

This hurt me deeply. My only source of validation is porn directors, now that Mitt Romney has suspended his campaign. Without their approval, who am I?

In fact their “humor” actually makes paint drying on a wall seem more entertaining. After reading Gram’s strong criticism, I decided to research some of the movies he made…as surely such a expert on adult cinema would have a large body of work. To my surprise, I found he has never made a porn movie, I know this may be shocking to none.

It’s true. I have never made a porn movie; how, then, can I claim to be “a expert”? Only people who make porn movies should talk about them. Imagine the lively banter as Eon, Skeeter, Max, Rob, and Kurt get together for their weekly salons.

Gram strikes me as a bit bitter, I suppose I would be too if I spent my life analyzing triple anal bukkkae movies for little to no money.

While it’s true that sometimes adult companies don’t pay on time or at all, my checks from XBiz have always cleared when I’ve received them.

I know it’s hard to get a bad review. One spends a lot of time putting a project together, perhaps cutting corners here and there, perhaps making an excuse or two, but still a lot of work nonetheless with a cast and crew that now and then doesn’t give their all to your vision, only to be criticized by someone who wasn’t there.

As in any medium, no one takes issue with the good reviews. But when we like a movie, then we “get it,” and are “one of us.” I’ve been surprised at the spitting, bitchy vitriol of people who once said they were my friends over my less-than-jubilant reviews of their masterworks.

What I like about this letter is the implication that only my bitterness (and poverty) prevented me from adoring this movie, and that “triple anal bukkkae” (whatever that is) is less important than what Green explores in his important, important film with Bill Margold in it.

Further (and this is a longer issue than can be tackled here), it’s a tactic particular to the adult industry that relies on equating money with merit. To be frank, I’m as mercenary as anyone in Los Angeles; I don’t work unless I’m paid for it. I wish I’d been paid to review a better movie.

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

“Critics are just frustrated under achievers, who cannot create for themselves so they spend their lives tearing down the work of others”

Green draws from eclectic source material, as you can see here. One of my new favorite quotes that I’ve made up for the occasion is, “Go fuck yourself – at least then only one person will be disappointed.” OMG look! I’ve created something!

That said, I’ve always liked Felix Vicious, and my review of The Make Up was neither harsh nor inaccurate. Read it here.

Previously: “You’re not one of us”: A steveporn odyssey