Their faces, ages, ethnicities, moving parts, and lingerie don’t matter. There are some people we’d like to fuck in the voice.
The Splendid Table‘s Lynn Rosetto Kaspar was telling her radio audience about what to do with leftover Halloween treats and suggested smothering candy corn in goat cheese when I crashed my car into the one in front of me and cried, “I know what the next porn niche will be when McCain/Palin loses and Sarah Palin is no longer relevant: Voices I’d Like to Fuck.”
You might remember the backlash and death threats I received when I proposed a Women of National Public Radio spread in Hustler, so I will be respectful when I say that there is no one I know who can make the word “driddling” (as in something to do with olive oil) sound so appealing to both my stomach and my prurient interests as can Ms. Kaspar. She is a vixen-voiced siren.
My feelings might have something to do with the fact that Kaspar is quite a bit older than I am. She might know a few things that I haven’t considered, like what not to caramelize. In my youthful impetuousness, I caramelize orange juice.
I would like to have been there when Kaspar was younger, just finding her way, learning to temper her exuberance about peppercorns. I would tell her, “Lynn Rosetto Kaspar, you don’t have to put peppercorns on everything, you know,” and she would say, “Oh Grams, let’s pour this bottle of Tawny into parts of me.”
I feel the same way about Lucinda Williams, now 55. Were she but 10, 20, or 30 years younger, I could have helped her not be so bittersweet about her life. “Have one of these candy corns, Lucinda Williams,” I would have said, and she would have cried and cried with joy, eventually deciding to go into nursing instead of heartbreaking alt-country music.
So it’s good I didn’t meet them earlier, and I’m confident that I will not meet them now.
And if a Google landed you on this page by accident after searching for kaspar AND peppercorns AND “side of the road,” well, sorry for upending your sensibilities, but the future of the porn industry is at stake.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: TeenMILFs
See also: The Splendid Table, Lucinda Williams
Linda Thompson singing ‘Withered and Died’. I want to hold her every time I hear that song.
Poor Richard. What she put him through.