If brevity is the soul of wit, than Metro’s Only Handjobs is the wittiest film of the year.
The conclusion: brevity is not the soul of wit.
Only Handjobs, starring Dani Woodward, is an unfortunate title. If I were to ask my wife, the mail-order sensation Bombastacula McQueefirine, what she had been doing all day while I labored under the hot pornish sun to hear her reply “Only Handjobs”, well, you can bet she’d be back on the slow boat to AssFukt2kistan.
“Only Handjobs” indicates that there’s nothing special going on. “Only Handjobs” suggests that Woodward, Sara Stone, Marissa Jayden, Stephanie Trip, Angela Stone, Hailey Paige, Taya Silvers, Amber Wild, Sophie Dee, Kaiya Lynn, and Kat wanted to do something more, but a repressive patriarchy kept them back.
As you know, I like to keep my pimp hand strong. Can you imagine what I be do to some track ho if she be step to me wid fitty dollas from a night of “only handjobs”?
“Swing on deze nuts!” I be say, etc.
Only Handjobs is available now. (I understand the DVD only features handjobs.)
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist
