Last weekend I was propping up some bony-kneed, vacant-eyed, large-headed methhuffer who falls asleep during blowjobs but looks great doing it when I spied a liberal dusting of Christian Audigier’s new designer condoms spread over the bottomlit bar at my favorite Hollywood coke den.
“I’m putting that shit on right now, Brie,” I said to my date. “These look especially long-lasting.”
Normally I don’t wear condoms because diseases flee from me like locusts from Moses’ rod. But I am Audigier’s target audience:
“This collection targets the same upscale shoppers who choose to don Audigier’s various stellar brand names on their clothing and lifestyle accessories,” said David Nehdar, who works for the condoms. “These aren’t just any old condoms – they’re the Rolls Royce of prophylactics.”
And I want that same overpriced machinery on my schlong, deftly mirroring the high-maintenance and overwrought skanks who alone are dumb enough to not see through my vapid douchebaggery.
As I said, I don’t normally like condoms, but the crown, panthers, and skull emblazoned on the packaging together formed a mandate: You will buy and wear this product as proudly as you do your Affliction shirt. You will be about 5’5” and appear indoors in a stupid hat. You will wear sunglasses inappropriately. Everyone else will know you are gay before you do.
And nothing says safe sex and responsible romance like two panthers circling a fucking skull.
It was like I saw my whole life ahead of me. But lest anyone doubt my convictions, I still had electronically-tested science to back me up:
“Christian Audigier condoms are made of natural latex formulated to be taste-free and odorless, unlike many condoms on the market,” states a press release, which is good, because taste should never be an issue with Audigier products, “and designed with a larger reservoir tip for improved comfort even during prolonged wear.”
That means I can ejaculate into it, wear it for six more hours, and ejaculate into it again? Awesome. I’m never taking it off! And since the latex is natural, I needn’t worry about my dick becoming gangrenous and exploding.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “Open Invitation” – How to stop worrying and learn to love swinging; Lily Carter – just because; Eating out Kirsten Price
See also: Audigier Condoms
Yes, but how much do they cost?!?!? Oh, and LOL @ “The Horror”
“As I said, I don’t normally like condoms, but the crown, panthers, and skull emblazoned on the packaging together formed a mandate: You will buy and wear this product as proudly as you do your Affliction shirt. You will be about 5?5? and appear indoors in a stupid hat. You will wear sunglasses inappropriately.”
I love you, Gram.
As a great aficionado of what dumb people consider “classy”, that box is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Thank you for sharing it with me. I think you’re remiss, however, in not pointing out the background of the box- the lion’s head door knocker. I think that subtle detail is what really kicks the design up to an 11 on the white trash scale.
Reservoir tips for everyone!
I didn’t notice that, but now I’m thinking that they missed several iconographical opportunities:
Dragons
A geisha
A coat of arms
A Grail
Harvard’s “Veritas” logo
The Bat Signal
An Anarchy sign
A 13″ System of a Down maxi-single
And – why not? – the Vietnam and Holocaust Memorials