Now that the AVN nominations have been announced, publicity departments across Porn Valley and Porn Valley-adjacent have been scrambling to let people like me know how many nods their companies and stars have received.
Today Digital Playground told me that it would demand to get all its awards up front at the ceremony so everyone could beat the traffic home. Metro said it was proud of its Most Publicists nomination. Gene Ross was pissed that he wasn’t considered for Best Marketing-Individual Project for Skeeter Kerkove. Vivid, since The New Devil in Miss Jones is the most nominated film of all time, announced that it is renaming its cafeteria Jenna-rations.
As my mother said to me in seventh grade, when my essay about Ashlyn Gere, “I Would Like to Mount You Like a Stamp”, wasn’t published in the school newspaper, “Gram, you’re lucky to be doing what you’re doing.”
And that is why I say to each of the companies nominated that it doesn’t matter if you win or not – it should be enough that I want to have sex with at least ten of your employees (unless the studio is Falcon – no offense fellas).
Pithy yet presumably understandable to the Neanderthalic mind – Gram, how do you DO it!?