by Gram Ponante.com contributor Eddie Adams
Citizens On Patrol
I have to be honest, when I first saw the title for Pink Visual’s latest foray into porn perambulation, I thought it was needlessly elaborate and indicative of the method by which this country so often turns public services into bureaucratic Byzantine labyrinths. I mean, is our need for micromanagement so irresistible that we require a group of people to specifically and solitarily patrol the backsides of women who crave interracial sex? Didn’t the Federal Body Inspector (F.B.I.) craze of the 1980’s have this area sufficiently covered? At the very least, the group that sanctions these kinds of specialties surely could have slightly expanded an already existing patrol set (the trusted Mixed Race Task Force, anyone?) to cover this niche. Do we have to go as far as arming suitcase pimps with copies of Max Weber literature in order to educate them about how this kind of excessive categorization can spin out of control? Does a Porn Postmodern Dystopia sound like anything you want to get used to??
Still skeptical, I decided to watch the movie. It turns out that the daily duties of this particular squad involve a lot of fucking. In fact, I discovered that there’s enough sexual shenanigans in the fifth installment of Interracial Booty Patrol to make the once-bawdy Police Academy franchise look like training videos for the Khmer Rouge.
Somewhere along the line, I started to feel more confident about what lead officer Shane Diesel and his squad of roving boners were trying to accomplish. These guys (and gals) work pretty tirelessly, providing the kind of assurance I needed to feel comfortable funding this sort of project.
And, from what I can tell, their special brand of apprehension and interrogation is completely transparent, with cameras everywhere, not unlike those on the front of your average patrol car (but instead it’s basically attached to some guy’s taint, and he’s vigorously fucking a morally pliable female). And besides, the same dudes who ostensibly patrol for suspects also do the hard labor here, so there’s a nice consolidation of skills (a breath of fresh air in this age of the aforementioned micro-diversification), which makes me think that they don’t just have dollar signs in their eyes, they’re really just genuinely interested in netting and jackhammer-screwing young girls who happen to enjoy a darker shade of dick, which is both noble on their part and reassuring to me.
Put this one next to your classic copy of Cops, Bloopers & Pranks, to show friends and family that you trust in our boys in blue, but don’t get all aggro about it.