I rounded a corner at this year’s Adult Entertainment Expo to hear a man loudly exclaiming to anyone who’d listen what a cunt a major virginal starlet was.
“You wait in line for these cunts and they’re talking to their fucking friends or talking on the phone and they don’t fucking look at you,” he is saying. “And — — is the worst of them. I wait in line for 20 fucking minutes and she doesn’t fucking look at me, that cunt.”
“Whoa, she’s always been nice to — ” intercedes a photographer who has shot — — many times.
“She’s a CUNT.”
Because I am really good at calming people down and not at all a magnet for violence, I step in and ask the guy where he’s from. The offended look he gives me, along with a gesture that says FUGEDABOUTIT, is priceless.
“Uhhh—” I say, articulate in my role as America’s Beloved Porn Journalist.
“—and don’t say ‘Jersey,'” he says. “I’m from New York! And don’t say ‘Brooklyn.’ I’m from Manhattan.”
Perhaps if he lives in the Lincoln Tunnel, he is technically from Manhattan, but his shirt, unbuttoned to a sunburned gut, suggests Hoboken.
Which reminds me of a joke I heard Frank Black tell:
A. Knock Knock
B. Who’s there?
A. Frank Sinatra
B. Frank Sinatra who?
A. Come on!
The guy represents the reason why some performers are scared to death of fans. But he also brings up a customer service issue: If — — were indeed texting while signing autographs,one can see why a fan would be put out.
“I’m 60 years old,” the guy is saying. “I got a fucking autograph from Christy Canyon. You get me? I know all these bitches. I come out here, I get out of work, put down the fucking phone, you cunt.”
He then got to the front of the line and posed with Skin Diamond, who’d be there for the next four hours, and who treated him and everyone in line very graciously.
I bump into him later.
“So how’d you do?” I ask. “Did you meet everybody you wanted to?”
“Yeah,” he says. “—— was the only bitch out of the litter. Skin Diamond was good. Not a cunt.”
I thinking of calling Skin Diamond to tell her the good news, but I’m sure he already told her she wasn’t a cunt.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “Shut Up And Fuck” is the most fun you can have with your mouth closed