Hint: Think Milves.
As America’s Beloved Porn JournalistTM, I am often asked how Barack Obama’s administration will deal with the adult industry. And I reply with a catchphrase that has endeared me to millions of readers:
“I don’t know. How could I know? Am I paid to know? If so, where is my check?”
It is that winning combination of shortsightedness and self-absorption that has defined this website throughout its three years of existence. Three years in which, when I thought of the current (for the next 77 days) president, I would say things like, “Oh, I don’t like that guy” while adding a wing to my house, ordering Ukrainian brides stuffed with caviar, and shooting the natives from my veranda with a small-caliber pistol.
Blissfully above the fray as pornographers were captured in sting operations and brought to trial on obscenity charges, dimly aware of the financial crisis undermining other industries, and gaily (pending the resolution of California Proposition 8) heedless of disease scares, wildfires, the MILF v. Cougar debate, and the dwindling sales of the DVD because they just didn’t affect me.
Because at various points over the past eight years I have felt very clearly that my vote had been stolen and there was no one looking out for me, so why should I care? In a way, the Bush White House taught me self-reliance because I thought there was no way I could trust the president.
But now that an admirable team has been elected (and now that John McCain has morphed back into the pre-campaign likable fellow he was), I have a feeling that little will change concerning the adult industry other than a greater impulse toward its own self-regulation and, as piracy further eats away at profits, there will be fewer and fewer porn companies.
This will happen during an Obama presidency in the same way that it would have happened during a McCain presidency, though a McCain win would have made the people who were just holding on for the election throw in the towel sooner.
With Obama’s message of hope and his Rooseveltian call to service, I doubt that Greyhound buses will disgorge as many porn starlets at the dusty depots of Chatsworth and Van Nuys as they once did. (There is also a good chance they will not be arriving here by light or high-speed rail, either.) Instead, these women will put their backs into suddenly-fashionable community service rather than under the lamps of Tarzana tattoo artists for the obligatory tramp stamp.
This means that the porn population will gradually age, ushering in a new Golden Era of experienced milves. Porn screenwriters will get work again and there will be competition for scripts. The gonzo format will wither because people will want to get in touch with their feelings rather than a 19-year-old’s colon.
Or not. Maybe none of that will happen.
Isn’t it odd that McCain’s concession speech was the most moving and graceful of his campaign – that in the last moments of the struggle, when it was far too late, he suddenly became the electable statesman he was at the beginning? Until Obama got to the end of his speech, tot he call-and-response and the talk of the 106-year-old GGGGILF at the voting booth, I thought I might be more moved by McCain’s grace in defeat than by Obama’s in victory.
Grams, where did you get that the plural for Milf is Milves? Couldn’t it just be Milfs?
Dear Maximo,
I’ll spare you an accounting of the sleep I’ve lost struggling with what the plural of MILF should be, but here is my reasoning:
1. MILF is now so common a word (at least around my house) that it deserves to be expressed as a common noun, “milf,” the way the word “frisbee” used to be a proper noun.
2. While I understand your argument that a plural could be formed with a simple -s I feel that, like the plural of wolf, more than one milf in a room should imply danger (or, like the plural of calf, more than one milf in a room could imply a nice veal dinner).
3. You could say that there is no hard and fast rule for what makes a plural. Why can you have one tooth and two teeth but not one telephone booth and two telephone – -? You get what I’m saying. That is why it is up to us to create the new plurals for the 21st century.
Yes we can.