Best of Inbox Nudes 6.15.11

The lack of an Inbox Nudes post for the past few weeks has not been the result of Fewer Quality Nudes [U.S. News And World Report, May 4, 2009: “UNESCO Chairman Laments Fewer Quality Nudes”], but because of the addition of several new or re-asserted agencies from whom to choose the Nudes. So, ask not from whom to choose the nudes; it tolls for thee.

*****

Name: Midory
Age: 23
Agency: Vangard Talent

No, not that Midori.

Name: Jessi Palmer
Age: 23
Agency: Metro Talent

I have been writing about the adult industry, on and off, for nearly a decade, and I know my mind has changed about it as I’ve experienced more, watched people come and go, succeed and fail, and change their own minds.

But even as I have assumed the mantle of America’s Beloved Porn Journalist, directed my own porn movie to determine what parts of certain press releases are full of shit, and, indeed, become like unto a god to the consumers and purveyors of pornography, I have never said the following:

“If she went out and purchased bigger boobs, or if they naturally became bigger due to pregnancy or weight gain, I would not mind.”

The 4’10” Jessi Palmer is indeed dusky and beautiful. I would not have guessed from her pictures that she was so tiny. And I have long been a fellow traveler with those who complain of pornstresses’ eagerness to get new boobs or modify their natural contours.

But…

I’m just saying. I only have to point (and not with my fingers) to Aiden Starr and Sophie Dee to say that big boobs on little women really work.

Name: Charity Love
Age: 24
Agency: OC Modeling

No matter how smart you are, there is a leveling off point to how far your brilliance can take you sexually. So talk all you want about educated porn stars who read books, but I will not discriminate in my affections for a pornstress just because I had a Montessori school education and she didn’t.

But for all I know, the beautiful Charity Love might be a genius in the sack and out of it. And she had nothing to do with the spelling of her talents, as listed below:

Boy/Girl
Girl/Girl
Boy/Girl/Girl
Boy/Boy/Girl
Boy/Girl/Anal
Girl/Girl/Anal
Boy/Girl/Girl/Anal
Boy/Boy/Girl/Anal
Blow Bangs
Foot Jobs
Double Penetration
Double Vag
Gang Bang
Orgys
Interracial
Squirting
Solo
Solo with toys
Fetish
Print/Stills
Bondage
Soft-core
Blow Jobs
Hand Jobs
ATM
Swallows
Double Anal
Creampies
Deep Throat

…but if someone were to text me saying that she likes “orgys,” I would say No.

Name: Angel Cakes
Age: 22
Agency: Vangard Talent

Someone like Nicki Hunter can go into Ralph’s and accidentally announce her porn name on the loudspeaker (though how that would happen I’m not sure) and no one (who didn’t already know she was a porn star) would bat an eye.

But Angel Cakes?

When I eventually meet Angel Cakes on my travels, and she introduces herself to me, I will try mightily to not say, “You bet you are.” Because “Angel Cakes” is something a creepy old man would say, just as “You bet you are” is.

Maybe the next step of my journey of discovery should be acceptance of my creepy old manitude.

The lovely Cakes is the whole package, both angelic and cakey. But what are the cakes, do you think? I love her photographs, especially this series, which features her against a twilit Porn Valley.

Name: Amy Quinn
Age: 23
Agency: Metro Talent

Any model, clothed or otherwise, knows that hundreds or thousands of pictures are taken in a given photo session, from which a select handful can be chosen to best represent the model.

This photo of Miss Quinn isn’t an optimal representation. She doesn’t look too agreeable to whatever you might have in mind, and there is a physical barrier to entry in the armrest. Granted, not everyone needs to pose with her legs spread wide open (like Jessi Palmer, above), but don’t make us compete with the furniture or make us wonder if you’ve just been propped there, post-mortem.

Name: Cosette
Age: 30
Agency: Vangard Talent

Finally, someone to appear in my sweeping Les Pornerables!

Name: Evilyn Fierce
Age: 19
Agency: OC Modeling

We get that you’re 19, evil, and fierce, Evilyn Fierce, but you’re on the wrong throne for what you appear to be doing.

Name: Zoey Kush
Age: ???
Agency: Big Love Talent

Finally, Zoey Kush shares the award with Angel Cakes for Best Photographs. The ageless Kush also triumphs with the spectacles and cutoffs. But there’s already a Tatiana Kush; can’t we think of some more creative names?

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Inbox Nudes Archive; Memphis Monroe abandons contract stardom for poverty on streets of 19th century Paris; Upstairs/Downstairs with Tatiana Kush and Nicki Hunter (and these dudes)