Japanese massage scammers never counted on vengeance beyond the grave

As a licensed clinical massage therapist, or massagynist, I object to the portrayal of my craft in Hidden Camera Massage Scam as just a ploy to grope submissive Japanese women.

In this seedy Tokyo reverse-rub-and-tug masquerading as an upscale spa, shady masseurs cajole doughy patients into having sex with them.

But what I don’t understand is how Japanese evildoers always forget about the spirit world, which has nothing better to do than terrify the living.

The hubris of massage fraud is inconsequential compared to the rage the womens’ ancestors must feel, and you can be assured that what is not caught on camera is the crab-walking, hair-in-the-eyes malevolent ghost that comes to exact revenge on both the “therapists” and their stateside counterparts when the inevitable American version is made starring oh, I don’t know, Neve Campbell.

But before a vindictive spirit can arrive, the women are subjected to a series of ever-more-intrusive attempts to “relax” them, so that when the doctor’s buddy with a handicam shows up, the victims don’t appear too surprised.

By the end of the movie all pretense of traditional Japanese coyness has been removed. The women submit to suspect penile tension release methods without protest.

In fact, the viewer would be forgiven for thinking that nothing was wrong with these women in the first place.

But if we know anything about supernatural rage, it’s that it is not easily explained away.

One can’t inform the spectre of one’s insulted grandmother as she emerges from the well, television, or sea to wreak havoc that the good doctor wasn’t raping one after all.