A murder of Suicide Girls travels from Los Angeles to Maine for a photoshoot and – I’m guessing, because I had to turn it off – are picked off one by one. Would that I only had the patience to wait for the payoff, but with Suicide Girls, there is no payoff.
“SuicideGirls Must Die” is billed as a reality horror movie whose scares are contained in the creeping realization that such intolerable characters probably weren’t acting.
Perhaps I’d find some contradiction if I spent any time on SuicideGirls.com, the softcore altporn site featuring pinups, blogs, and rants of pasty and wannabe-pasty alternachicks, but my abiding feeling about Suicide Girls is that the movement is dishonest; the site and its aesthetic are one giant eyeroll of indifference to its audience tacked on to a desperate need for acceptance by any means necessary.
“SuicideGirls Must Die” is an underfed offspring of confessional handicam reality shows and summer camp horror movies. As a horror movie, it is as scary as “The Real World” (which is a pretty scary show, but not for the right reasons) and as sexy as “The Blair Witch Project.”
Criticism of any SuicideGirls endeavor is tricky because naysayers are immediately labeled enemies of female empowerment, tools of the mainstream media bent on destroying alternative expression. Oh, and they just don’t get it.
But here’s where I stopped:
During their journey to Maine, the Girls pull over their van to pee by the side of the road, where they are harangued by a local who, for some reason, does not have a Maine accent. The Girls are shocked and defiant, angered that a townie would call them “fucking whores” for public urination.
“So because I pee on the road I have sex for money?” one pouts.
No, but at least hookers are likeable. While pissing in a ditch is indeed a glorious and liberating activity, only an asshole justifies it as a legitimate means of artistic expression.
Then the gang is stopped by a Maine State Trooper, who also lacks an accent. As there is only one person in the State of Maine who doesn’t sound like a genteel lobsterman, and as the movie had gone on 20 minutes without any useful nudity, and as no character had proven not insufferable (but what can you expect when girls call themselves “James” and “Fractal”?), I fast-forwarded to an ending that was only apparent because the DVD stopped.
The biggest tragedy of this movie was that each of these beautiful women, upon opening her mouth, became fiercely unattractive, narcissistic, bored, dumb; as if lengths were taken to make her so, as a confrontation to the audience.
But enough of why I was disappointed in “SuicideGirls Must Die”; it was just an utterly non-entertaining movie.
Distributor First Look Studios included director Werner Herzog’s “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans,” starring Nicolas Cage, in the DVD previews. That looked good.
Buy “SuicideGirls Must Die” here
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “You’re not one of us” – a steveporn odyssey; Gram cut to the quick by pornographer
See also: Suicide Girls
So… just a little bit of nudity, no even tame lesbian sex and a non interesting horror thriller plot? Really? Damn it!
Jesus, what you just wrote was the perfect capsule summary of this film. I was not able to do this because I was so offended. It is not the first time I asked what would Jesus review.
I espcially liked the “Damn it!,” that really spoke to me.