You can't fake a "Young Mouth"

Los Angeles offers beautiful dreamers like myself an extended adolescence and, if you are running short on charm, you can always get calf implants or have your vagina rejuvenated with lasers. But of all the sybaritic pleasures available here, there is no way to take years off your mouth.

That is why Madness Pictures’ “Young Mouth Club” may be the most important movie of its generation, capturing like lightning in a bottle that fleeting concept the Greeks (the newer, oilier, impoverished ones, not the ancient, civilization-creating ones) called “Mouth Youth.”

And this POV fellatio picture is as notable for the things coming out of these young mouths as that which director/cameraman Mo is putting into them.

“I tended to the chickens and ran around like a lunatic with my head cut off,” says Alyssa Branch of her idyllic childhood on a ranch in California’s San Joaquin Valley.

18-year-old Ashlynn Leigh, the movie’s sole brunette, remarks that porn is her fourth job, after working at a restaurant called Chicken Express (and fucking everyone there), a paper shredding company, and a strip club.

“My vagina is wet 24/7,” she says.

Her scene for YMC, shot on December 17, came less than a month after she arrived in Porn Valley.

But instead of asking why this corn-fed girl from ’round Ft. Worth way left Texas before Thanksgiving and wouldn’t be going home for Christmas, Mo asks how many guys she’s fucked this month.

“It’s December 17?” she says. “What’s 17 times 2?”

Porn, like professional sports or mainstream entertainment, is an industry where a person can have quick fame and attention and exponentially more cash than she had just a week ago but, unlike those other gigs, there is no phalanx of image handlers and publicists to keep her from sounding like she can’t do anything other than grip a cock in her mouth.

“I’m a nymphomaniac,” she says. “I looked it up.”

But she is not without insight. Referring to her shiny white teeth, she says, “Come makes my teeth whiter, I heard. But maybe it was someone’s idea of getting me to swallow.”

I like Leigh and I want her to win. I look forward to seeing her in “Gently Aged Mouth Club” when she’s 30. But the tricky thing is that everyone says things like that when they’re 18, but only porn records it.

I have no doubt that 90 percent of the cast of “Wizards of Waverly Place” said the exact same thing at some point, but Disney had the journalist killed.