Der Verspanken: Sie brauchen nicht eine Beziehung mit einer Frau zu bilden

Any marital aid that has a German name is all right by me, because I’m racist that way, and I know the Germans mean business.

Der VërSpanken (from Big Teaze Toys) is a clip-on simulated vagina with adjustable (wet, bumpy, smooth) labia for you to break on through to the other side. Check out this video featuring anatomically (and bananically) correct stick figures:

But I wonder if things like this strip away our initiative.

Der VerSpanken makes me think: These hands have built a nation—what have you got against them, Big Teaze Toys? But I gamely unwrapped this clean, efficient-looking device, knowing that I could always stick it under a mattress so I could have my hands free to read the instructions.

You know that feeling the first time you’re intimate with someone… That moment when you first enter… that incredible, outrageous feeling that takes you to the edge.

That’s sure nice of them to say. Has a man who has ever known the love of a woman ever bought a masturbation device? But Der VërSpanken’s literature also suggests the doodad can be used on you by a partner.

This is interesting if the two of you want to add a third entity to your marriage but you just can’t agree on an acceptable person, or if she needs one extra thing between her skin and yours.

I call up my friend Scarlet.

“It’s ‘The Stranger Effect,'” she says. “It’s an Unknown. It’s a little kink in your vanilla world.”

“Why can’t I just get an actual stranger?”

“That could work, too,” she says.

“I wish you were here.”

I’ve tried Fleshlights and RealTouches and now this, and I can’t get away from the feeling that I have no need of the extra machinery, that it takes too much time, that it’s one more thing to wash, one more thing to conceal.

But this is just me. I give the (unused) VërSpanken to a friend of mine and he raves about it.

“It’s not clumsy, it’s lightweight, and it’s not abundantly obvious that it’s a sex toy,” he says. “It did the job. Excellent German engineering!”

(I don’t tell him it was designed in California.)

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: How Fleshlight protects your feelings; RealTouch promotes dorking out with your dork out
See also: Buy the VerSpanken

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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