Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Put A Gröömin on Your Human

The Gröömin
The Gröömin
The Gröömin

Discretion is key in personal rubbing-one-out devices, but is it too much to ask for some bonsai sea monster action, too? Well, the creators of the Gröömin don’t think so; they want you to feel like you could destroy Tokyo with the head of your penis.

The Gröömin rolls on like a value-added condom, but you wouldn’t want to use it like a condom unless your partner were a kaiju. No, this little nub-bedecked friend is just for you. As your generative organ pushes through its folds, H.P. Lovecraft might say, Gentlemen, you become aware of eldritch geometries heretofore unknown, and perhaps an abomination to know.

It comes in a circular case the size of a compact mirror and can be easily passed off as some fancy exfoliant a professional manscaper might use.

The experience of jerking off with something like a Gröömin or any other kind of masturbation sleeve (like a Fleshlight) is pleasantly otherworldly. But why would you do with an ingenious $7 Japanese import (the Gröömin is admirably inexpensive, unlike a Fleshlight which, though it may come in several different varieties of porn star ass, mouth, and vulva, is still like carrying around a Pringles can full of your own semen) something that you could do with your hand?

This is my question about every male masturbation device, bar none.

And I think the answer is a squalid kind of romance. Just like you shouldn’t get a cat unless you can take care of a plant, and you shouldn’t get a girlfriend if your house is filled with dead cats, then a Gröömin simulates the gentle planning and tender aftercare a high-class lady expects; you know, the kind that wants you to roll her lovingly onto your penis and then, afterward, tenderly wash her out with warm water.

View this helpful video to further expand your mind:

I showed the Gröömin to ten friends who weren’t in the adult industry. None knew what it was. Then I showed it to a warehouse guy for one of the porn DVD distribution companies and he immediately said, “You jerk off in it.”

So I think you’ll be OK with the TSA.

Get the Gröömin here.

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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