Does winning an AVN Award guarantee better sales? “You bet!” says everyone who ever won one, nervously clutching his collar and offering me a great deal on 144,000 unused AVN Award Winner stickers.
But the true value of any movie is the SWINE, or the Swag Index, an instrument I invented about 15 seconds ago. It measures the spread between the interest generated by the swag items to the quality of the movie itself.
A SWINE of 10 is a perfect score. It says that the movie is exactly what one would expect, considering the swag. Thus, Wicked’s The Wicked [review] and Fallen [review] have perfect SWINEs; the movies were what I expected from swag boxes containing feathers and fake blood.
But Pirates 2 [review] exceeded my expectations from a box packed with a simple but almost functional hat (I might actually wear it, though ironically, because I am a hipster who still lives with his parents) and a t-shirt I’m sending, also ironically, to a third world nation. It would change my life for the better to see Sally Struthers standing over a crouched rice-eating refugee who is wearing a Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge t-shirt. Pirates 2 receives a SWINE of 12.
Of course, Metro’s X-Rated [review] goes into the Hall of Fame, because its swag box included alcohol.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pirates 2 swag; Fallen and The Wicked swag; X-Rated swag; 2006 Also-Ranny winners; Gram Ponante Announces the Oscars of Porn
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist
