Porn Valley Observed reader Dan from Minneapolis has a great idea for a pornographic film that, unless the Independent Film Channel opens a porn wing, will never get made.
Hi Gram,
Given that you’re a big time porno director these days, I want to share with you an idea, that you’re free to use. How about a porn parody called “The Kings Seed”? In this period piece, the King suffers from premature ejaculation. His wife, the Queen, then decides to employ the talents and teachings of a cadre of court jesters. Make that cuckolding-court jesters.
In the end, the King learns to hold his seed, lest he lose his access to the Queen’s crown jewels.
And……Action!
True story: I had what I thought was a great idea at the beginning of this month wherein I would ask porn performers and directors who had won “Best” this or that at the AVN and XBiz awards and have them predict which Oscar nominee in that same category would win an Academy Award.
I asked about nine people, each of whom had just won a major adult award, and none of them knew who was nominated for the corresponding Hollywood trophy.
So I gave up. Similarly, I told Dan that I didn’t think anyone would finance a “King’s Seed” porn, though I’m sure several—maybe even a dozen—people would get a huge kick out of seeing something like that on video store shelves in Kenosha, Waukegan, Agawam, Bernalillo, Apache Junction, Minnetonka, King of Prussia, Big Piney, Opelousas, and/or Greater Yelm/Puyallup.
This is why, with the permission of Dan from Minneapolis, I am launching a truly Open Source sex project—one that celebrates creative sexual expression rather than crushes it out of narcissism and bitterness—that will allow you to use a great idea like “The King’s Seed” just as long as you attribute it to our friend Dan from Minneapolis (and that is how he must be credited).
Just think of great porn actors like Anthony Rosano or Tommy Pistol as the stuttering, cuckolded king, John E. Depth and Lee Bang as the cuckolding Dukes of Gloucester and Essex, respectively, Lisa Ann as the Queen Mum, Bobbi Brixton as Elizabeth, Kimberly Kane as Wallis Simpson, Ron Jeremy as Winston Churchill!
The only questions would be where to put Bartholet, and how Ben English might be involved.
I imagine that some of the other Best Picture nominees would have an easier time with their porn adaptations. Both “Black Swan” and “Blue Valentine” featured carpet munching, and “Winter’s Bone” could just cast the extended Flynt clan from Kentucky.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Here they come, the members of “The Gangbang Squad”
Thanks Gram! My hope is that, eventually, if I submit enough of these, one will eventually get made. Ahh, the dream of the film buff!
I think Dirty Dan has a fine idea…it just needs some tweaking. Maybe he can make his own version in the mean time and that may inspire additional refinement. Maybe a scene where the jesters bend the Queen over a vespa would be appropriate, considering the timing in history.
I like the idea of the Jesters being a standard Porn Valley gangbang squad; this underlines entrenched class divisions both in porn and in Georgian England. Add bending the Queen over a Vespa and you’ve got “Quadrophenia,” except heterosexual. It works on so many levels!