When Digital Playground adapted Disney’s theme park ride-turned-movie series Pirates of the Caribbean into the Pirates pornos, few thought the adult versions would be so successful. But now that the Pirates of the Caribbean series is over, Digital Playground has set its sites on a comic book adaptation, Crotchmen.
“We wanted to go darker,” said Jesse Jane of the bleak alternate 1985 setting in which all the Digital Playground contract performers have pubic hair. “We’re a group of fake-breasted porn stars who question our relevance once Stoya arrives.”
“Right,” said Stoya. “Because not only do I have small, natural breasts, but I am also blue, so I can skip interracial and jump right into hot interspecies/interdimensional action.”
The loose-knit band of contract performers find their livelihoods threatened by the return of Stagnetti and Katsuni, piloting a Black Freighter filled with unrepresented gonzo girls and Internet models to Joonestown. Jesse Jane must intercept the freighter while sailing a raft built from former Digital Playground stars Sophia Santi, Tera Patrick, and Jana Cova.
“I try to get to Joonestown before the Black Freighter and Katsuni can fuck everyone before me,” Jane said.
“And I teleport into (strategic guest star) Bree Olson’s vagina and out her ass, and then into (strategic guest star) Kylie Ireland’s vagina and out her ass” Stoya said.
The third act of Pirates 3 deals with what Jane encounters upon arriving in Joonestown first.
“What I imagined would be a massive gangbang turns out to be me doing a bunch of solo scenes,” Jane said, “and my character has to deal with that.”
The Crotchmen porn adaptation has already weathered many personnel changes. Originally attached to direct was Ed Powers in 1991, with a cast that included Seka as the blue Dr. Clamhattan and Ron Palillo as Horshack. That deal fell through, and directors as diverse as Paul Thomas, Michael Ninn (twice, using different names), and Nic Andrews all took a crack at the convoluted script, after original writer Alan Moore publicly distanced himself from it.
“I’m the only person who has stayed with the project all the way through,” said Ron Jeremy, who plays Richard Nixon.
Pirates III: The Black Freighter has already swept the 2011 combo AVN/XBiz/XRCO/Adultcon/Topco adult awards by special arrangement. According to a Digital Playground press release, Freighter cost $72 million and has already grossed twice that two years before its release.
“Making Stoya blue did not come cheap,” said director Ali Joone, “but we’re already recouping the cost with Robby D’s off-year Smurfs adaptation, and I think Celeste wants her to play Krishna in one of her Visions.”
“My skin is really starting to hurt now,” said Stoya, who had to undergo a painful dermaltinting procedure. “But it’s all for the best.”
Are porn adaptations of graphic novels the wave of the future?
“I’m in preproduction of a Paul Auster reimagining I’m calling City of Ass,” said David Aaron Clark, “and I’ve already landed Mika Tan as Quim.”
While only a poster for Pirates III: The Black Freighter has been created by press time, reports from Van Nuys indicate that people are already jerking off to it.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “For the love of God, please let me die“; Porn Valley goes Hollywood in annual tradition; Apple to leave MacWorld for Adult Entertainment Expo
See also: Watchmen, Digital Playground
Release date?
This was a joke. I don’t think there ever will be a “Pirates 3.”