Gram’s Sticky LettersTM

Whether or not this will be a recurring feature I don’t know. I guess it depends 0n you.

Dear Grams,

Last night my spouse and I were up late watching a scary Mexican movie, Kilometer 31. At the end of it my wife said, “Don’t pretend you’re not too tired to fuck me” to which I replied “Prepare Yourself.” Fuck that bitch if she thinks lack of sleep affects my ability to fuck her through this world and into the next.

She announced that she would return from the bathroom with her pants off in five minutes, unless something got her in the hallway.

So I decided I would scare her. I hid in the dark and when she returned to the room, pantsless, I snuck up behind her and scared the daylights out of her. It was very satisfying. On the way, however, I managed to jam my toes against a chair and I thought they would snap clean off.

Performing in such great pain made me realize that I could do anything. Do you ever feel that way?

No.

In other news, today I received a box of product from TopCo, including a pair of Penthouse-branded Ben-Wa Balls. Included in the package of Balls was a mini-Penthouse Forum letter detailing two college buddies’ adventures in the Oriental corporate world.

Sadly, even though the story accompanied a pair of Ben-Wa Balls, there was nothing in the story about Ben-Wa Balls. This disappointed me because I still don’t know what Ben-Wa Balls do.

You may be horrified by this, but part of the voyage of discovery that is this site is my own apprehension of heretofore foreign concepts, such as the difference between a cougar and a MILF, why “69” is so often referenced but hardly ever seen, and why “sex-positive” is often code for “crap.”

I mean, I know one shoves Ben-Wa Balls in the anus or vagina, and that they then come out. But is that all there is? Can the same be done with marbles? Frozen kernels of corn? Wasabi? Bleached cattle skulls?

In any case, write me a letter.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Icon to explain dildos
See also: TopCo, Km 31