Brad Armstrong learns the value of fucking women his own age by enjoying the living shit out fucking women half his age. This is what anthropologists call a Fake Brag.
Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Starring: Brad Armstrong, jessica drake, Alexa Nicole, Francesca Le, Gracie Glam, Kaylani Lei, Kelly Klass, Lela Star, Madison Ivy, Misty Stone Rocco Reed, Seth Gamble
“There is nothing that makes a man feel more alive than having a hot young girl hanging on his arm. It works every time. That and the little blue pill.”
On his 45th birthday, John (Brad Armstrong) is feeling Time’s Winged Chariot drawing near. “I don’t know if I have the moves (to bed hot prosties),” he tells co-worker Rocco Reed.
Wicked’s earnest formula to court couples benefits from the adult industry’s other (if you count Digital Playground) cast of ensemble characters, and it is this comfort level that allows us to accept this movie in a genre that is normally age-denying. It is like “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” without the offensive Whoopiness.
The secret? Go after younger women and have some money.
A sad sack bleeding his misery over everyone, John first goes to his local Asian stereotype establishment (it is silent as the grave that awaits us all) and tells his waitress, Ling (an over-the-top-ly Oriental Kaylani Lei), that it’s his birthday and he has “nobody to celebrate it with.”
To the screen I said, “I think I know what is about to happen.”
But little did I know that Ling would return with Ming (Asa Akira)!
John has be-condomed sex with both. And you’d think that would fill him up and banish his feelings of mortality for at least another year, but you know what they say about Chinese food.
To her credit, Lei affects an outrageous Chinese accent during scripted dialogue but her during-sex exclamations of “Shit!” and “Fuck!” come straight from Cape Cod.
While John is out of the office, Rocco fucks a secretary. Maybe it means absolutely nothing to the rest of the movie, but he does do this move where he drops a rope of spit onto her pussy for lubrication. I thought it was gross, but she seemed to like it.
Then John goes tanning. I was partial to this scene, as his lushly-lipped tanning consultant takes the initiative in dealing with John’s accidental erection.
“You should probably lose the shorts to avoid tan lines…during your tan,” she says. “Or I can just help you with that.”
By now, if you are like me, you have become disillusioned of John’s Everyman status. After his tanning encounter, for example, he fucks his personal trainer. This doesn’t look difficult at all. Is Wicked trying to tell us that all Chinese waitresses, tanning salon representatives, hair stylists, and personal trainers are dirty little sluts? Or “sex workers”? Are they suggesting that we should, like John, mope our way into protected sex?
Something John says the next day makes more sense.
“The young girls like the older guys,” John tells Rocco. “Especially if you have a little money.”
This movie made me think of Madonna’s attempt at children’s literature, “The English Roses,” in which comformist girls learn to accept and love their more beautiful and sparkling neighbor. We learn at the end of “Young At Heart” that, despite having no negative experiences whatsoever going after young women, what he really needed to do was fuck one of their moms (Francesca Le). The lesson lacks substance.
But who cares? If this movie makes 45-year-old guys spend a little money trimming their hair (but no plugs, warns Rocco) and attending to the gym, maybe there’s no harm done.
Buy “Young At Heart” here
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: The Load Ahead—jessica drake on fellatio futures
See also: Wicked
So this is the latest Apatow project, right?