It is around this time of year that porn companies send out Christmas gifts to their favorite reviewers. Last year Hustler sent me a reversible leather jacket that had Nikki Nine on one side and Memphis Monroe on the other, and Vivid gave me an all-expenses-paid weekend to Catalina Island with any of the contract girls whose names I could remember if given ten seconds. Digital Playground shipped Stoya in a crate so cramped that her toes were growing around the bars. She’s free range in my office now, and seems much happier, which I can’t say for Ava Rose. When Adam & Eve sent her with its best holiday wishes, I knew right away that she needed to be free. Free!
Years ago Metro sent me an excellent thermos (and you know what happened to that).
But belts are tightening, and companies aren’t sending gifts. When I thought I might get a simple titanium personal grooming set from TopCo, they sent me Joanna Angel’s Vibrating Cyberskin Doggy Style Ass & Pussy instead.
Joanna Angel, whose birthday is on Christmas, told me that she couldn’t be everywhere at once. “It’s not like I’m Santa,” she said. “I’m Jewish.”
So I was bereft of Christmas spirit until Saturday, when I was on my way to buy a tree and got a call from Chatsworth Pictures’ Cram Johnson.
“Grams, we need you to be in Oh No, There’s A Negro in My Daughter 2,” he said.
“Will I play the negro?” I said.
“No, that part was given to Jon Jon,” Johnson said.
“Kennedy?” I said.
“No,” Johnson said. “The black Jon Jon. You will play the father of Kira Lynne, who surprises you with the news that she’s fucking a negro.”
“That is interesting,” I said. As a trained actor, it would be a challenge for me to inhabit this role. I would have to age myself both with spirit gum and with my theatrical skill. I would have to become a man who has so lost contact with his daughter that the only way she could get my attention would be to bring someone of another race into our home. It would be the greatest test of my instrument in my career.
“I’ll do it,” I said. The Christmas tree would have to wait.
When I arrived on set, I was the first one there. It was good to tour the facility. I had tread these boards before. I had sat on the very couch upon which the scene would be unfolding. I knew this place.
“Hello, Grams,” the place said.
“Hello,” I said.
Then Cram and his brother Grip arrived. When last we partnered in art, it was for Cuckold 2. Lorena Sanchez was my wife and she was … why, she was fucking a black man!
“Black men are negros!” I said aloud.
“Yes,” the Johnson Brothers said, and I had an Epiphany. There would be no line readings for me. There would be no solitary walks with Cram as we tried to discover my motivation. I knew this character. I knew this place.
Then Kira Lynne arrived. She is 20. It would have actually been possible for me to have fathered her, this athletic vixen from Florida who smelled like a delightful stripper lost in a Yankee Candle store and looked like a cross between Hollie Stevens and Belladonna. Yes, I could have fathered her if I’d reached sexual maturity at three years old.
I will not tell you the details of the shoot save for the facts that Lynne is a fantastic method actress and that I felt the scene would best be served if I acted it like Gregory Peck in “To Kill A Mockingbird.”
“Now will you pay attention to me, Daddy?” pouted Lynne as she inhaled part of Jon Jon.
“Yes, Scout,” I said.
I’m not saying that I can equal the porn thespian heights of a Dirty Harry or a Bartholet, but I know that there are no small roles – only actors unwilling to commit.
Oh No, There’s a Negro in My Daughter 2 will be out early next year, if it isn’t out already. Those guys are fast.
I bought my Christmas tree immediately afterward, and decided to go for one that was slightly bigger.
“You could say this splurge is a result of a negro’s splooge,” I said to the Zacatecan migrant worker who lashed the 12-ft. spruce to my Hummer 3. He smiled mysteriously.
- Buy “Oh No! There’s A Negro in My Daughter! 2” here