“Vampire Sex Diaries”: Who knew they could write?

Other than Count Chocula, today’s vampires tend to be fiercely attractive, homoerotic, or both. Moreover, because they can’t see their reflections, they are a post-mirror community supremely confident in their good looks.

Studio: Sex Line Sinema
Director: Gary Orona
Starring: Tabitha Stevens, Cheyne Collins, Jay Lassiter, Jenna Presley, Sophia Santi, Ally Kay, Ashlyn Rae

In “Vampire Sex Diaries” (actually shot over Halloween!), Vanessa (Tabitha Stevens) presides over a similarly tasty brood of her own kind who “feel mankind’s cobweb approaching.” This is because they live in what appears to be Palmdale, CA, a high desert community with an even higher foreclosure rate, ripe for speculation.

This movie is an excellent couples’ film, well-shot, acted, directed, and written. Events move slowly enough, and the concepts are big enough, so that our expectations skip along hand in hand with our suspension of disbelief, and the pretty people now and then surprise us by what they say or do. Furthermore, “VSD” exploits the strengths of the cast and the story and avoids weaknesses that most couples’ films just can’t stay away from.

Brad and Amber (Cheyne Collins and Ally Kay) are the kind of mortal couple who fight despite the fact that their lease on attractiveness, the vampires know, is all too short. They are lost in the desert as Brad looks for bat colonies. Highlighting their incompatibility, Amber studies a new map while Brad studies an old one.

“You should have studied geography instead of biology,” says Amber. Zing!

Now, if I were a vampire, I would use this weakness to draw them into my own web of immortal/immoral flesh-cravings.

Which is just what happens. A mysterious note draws them to the desolate town of Midland, whose museum is staffed by hot brunettes. One (Ashlyn Rae) takes Amber on a tour while Vanessa, all cleavage and legs, discusses with Brad the absence of bat references from the journal of noted chiropterologist Miguel Coronado. She arranges a tour of the bat caves with her minion, Jay Lassiter.

This is an example of where we forgive the film on the goodwill generated by the fact that everything looks so good. If the exquisite Tabitha Stevens (or the ingenue Ashlyn Rae) were my docent, I would be incapable of asking if I had strayed into a Skinemax flick with “Bordello” in the title. We also wonder what kind of vampire queen sends her employees out in the daylight.

No matter. Amid the stark and artfully After-Effected desert photography, Vaneesa gives us more vampire philosophy.

“Vampires are openly sexual,” she writes, as opposed to Man, whose guilt about his innate sexuality drives him to violence.

Brad wanders, dreamlike, into a little orgy with the delicious Jenna Presley and Sophia Santi, and we realize that what the vampire flock really needs is a blonde.

Thus, Amber is made one of the chosen (vampire, not Jewish) by Lassiter, and this somehow enrages Giros, the ancient and Quaker-hatted vampire who created the brood way back in the post-Civil War era. Vanessa, meanwhile, has fallen for Brad, and convinces Giros, who en-vampired her on her wedding day, for God’s sake, to allow immortal and mortal to couple one last time because, she tells her maker, “those feelings will give your endless days meaning.”

You don’t hear people bust that sort of science in porn movies. In fact, I encourage you to justify adultery to your spouse or partner this way. “Honey, I fucked her so that it would give you something to think about if you got bored.”

“Vampire Sex Diaries,” like last year’s “The Sex Files,” Ernest Greene’s “O” movies and, to a different degree, the “Pirates” franchise, make porn safe for couples without asking them to turn off their brains or pull up their pants.

Buy “Vampire Sex Diaries” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “True Blood”-y Well Right; Sucking cocks in Hell
See also: Sex Line Cinema

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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