When you’re too skinny, sometimes “The Biggest Loser” is you

Sonia Blaze, too heavy for her own liking, storms out of her abusive trainer’s gym.

“Well, at least I’ll still have tits and an ass!” she wails.

“Yeah,” her trainer scoffs. “Cellulite-y ones!”

Studio: Devil’s Films
Director: uncredited
Starring: Hillary Hooterz, Sonia Blaze, Kelly Shibari, Sammie Spades, Lyla Storm, London Keyes

The central logistical flaw of “This Isn’t the Biggest Loser XXX” is that each of the heavier “Before” women (Blaze, Hooterz, and Shibari) are having sex with men they seem to care about anyway, so what is their motivation to get skinny?

Poor Sonia has had enough of the fat-unfriendly barbs of her trainer on a weight-loss reality show, so she votes with her feet. But so much footage of her acreage has been shot already, she is told, that it would be a pity if she abandoned the project.

Her producer tries to get her to stay, telling her the show must go on while pushing her gently into a form-fitting leather couch.

Meanwhile, Hillary’s husband doesn’t want her to get all skinny, like, and tries to convince her to stay voluptuous.

And Kelly suffers a similar fate with her handsome trainer.

But time elapses and the three are replaced with skinnier women who vaguely suggest them (Asian London Keyes stands in for the slimmed-down Kelly Shibari).

“I can hardly believe it’s even you!” says a host that we just met that moment, and he has sex with them. It’s true: we can’t believe it’s even them!

This is a novel concept that could have been improved if the heavies had sex with their slimmer selves.

All in all, we are given to understand that slimming down is good for these women, as the three “losers” then share the semen of the host, as opposed to their “Before” counterparts, who went through a guy apiece, and were therefore wasteful.

I think the greening of America is the real message of this movie, even if the mesmerizing undulations of Kelly Shibari put me in mind of Solaris.

Buy “This Isn’t The Biggest Loser” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Damn it, Alix Lakehurst, you almost saved California; Hirsch’s Heavies heave haunches heavenward
See also: Devil’s Film