Does anyone but porn stars and lifestyle BDSM characters wear hats like these anymore?

franki1Call me romantic, but I admire a good porn storyline. When lonely British inmate Danny D. receives a visit from sympathetic guard Franki, I just knew he was going to make another Australia—to wit: a penal colony—on her face.

The scene opens with the jumpsuited Mr. D. shuffling around his cell. Shadows indicate he could have easily jumped over the bars to escape, but we soon realize this must be part of some elaborate ritual he and gaolers have.

381387Not only is inmate D. outfitted with his own ceramic mug, but he has his own pornographic magazines. He checks to see who’s looking, and then begins masturbating. It has now been a full three minutes without any female nudity.

“It is getting pretty gay in this prison,” we think, noting D.’s firm jaw. What is happening to us?

Suddenly a leather-clad Franki storms in, demanding to be serviced. Franki is not one of those BDSM characters who try too hard and we just wish they’d change back into their bathrobes; instead, she is a pale, pneumatic, blue/brunette beauty wearing a silly hat.

She is also British. Do you see those hats they wear at Christmas, which they sometimes call “Crimbo”? It’s sweet When you think about it. No wonder she’s wearing the hat.

I kind of wanted the scene to end with D. and Franki escaping together, or D. realizing it was all a dream, or Franki murdering him like a black widow, but the scene ended the 99 percent of them do, with the only closure being an impressive volley launched across Franki’s brow.

I guess that qualified as conjugal.

  • Buy “Bottoms Up!” here

(Why this film was called “Bottoms Up!” I have no idea. Perhaps it had to do with role reversal. Maybe I’m overthinking it.)

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “A Day in the Life”—Danny D. comes 3979 short of 4000 holes; Dirty Bird—Meet Scarlett Revell
See also: Harmony UK

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